


hold me like i'm yours tonight

by cloudnine9



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, bcs ofc it does, shit gets messy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:23:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudnine9/pseuds/cloudnine9
Summary: Bae Joohyun, a fourth year law major. Son Seungwan, a second year neuroscience major.A one-night stand that turns into a friends with benefits arrangement, and somewhere along the line things don't go the way they were meant to.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 87
Kudos: 248





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya! for logic purposes the age gap between seungwan + seulgi & joohyun is 2 instead of 3, sooyoung's the same age as seungwan & seulgi, and yerim's a year younger than 94 line.
> 
> wack, i know. i had to fit them all into university somehow 😅

This was not where Seungwan wanted to be on a Friday night. Squished in between throngs of people in a too-small apartment that’s definitely _not_ meant for events like these, crappy alcohol and tipsy party-goers, was not on Seungwan’s top ten list of things to do. Clutching a cup filled halfway with dark brown alcohol, Seungwan takes a tentative sip and wrinkles her nose at the taste, the horrid liquid sliding down her throat. She spots Seulgi a few meters away, busy chatting and thanking party-goers for attending her birthday party—the only reason why Seungwan hasn’t turned tail and left yet. It’s Seulgi’s twenty-second birthday, and Yerim, Sooyoung and Byulyi had thought it would be a good idea to throw a small birthday party for her. Somehow, the small birthday party of approximately fifteen people turned into twenty, then thirty, and Seungwan eventually stopped bothering to keep track as more people found their way into the cramped apartment. She’s just glad that the apartment isn’t theirs. Holding in a sigh, Seungwan fiddles with her cup, scanning the room absently. She’s very acutely aware that she’s sticking out like a sore thumb with her casual crop top, dark blue flannel shirt, black jean shorts and minimal makeup amongst the aptly dressed party-goers sporting tight-fitting dresses and jeans. She sniffs, trying to hide herself closer to the corner of the tiny kitchen. There’s a movement from the corner of her eye, and Seungwan turns her head, watching as someone slips into the kitchen, clutching a similar red cup. She’s wearing an oversized black sweater and jeans, light brown hair tied up in a high ponytail—clearly not here to genuinely party, but evidently enjoying it enough, judging by her slightly pink cheeks. She stops abruptly when she spots Seungwan, eyes darting up and down.

It’s Joohyun.

A mutual friend of Seulgi’s and Sooyoung’s, and somewhere along the past two years of knowing each other, Seungwan had realized she got along rather well with the older woman, from their bantering and playful bickering to moments where Seungwan had called Joohyun in the dead of the night, unable to sleep, and the older woman had picked up, staying up with her, talking about nothing and everything until the sun rose despite having morning classes on the day itself. They haven’t exactly talked or hung out recently, what with both of their busy schedules and Joohyun being significantly busier in her last year as an undergraduate.

“You’re here too, huh?” Joohyun raises an eyebrow, and Seungwan lifts her shoulders in a half-hearted shrug, watching her come closer, and eventually scooting a little to her left and makes space for Joohyun. She leans against it, swirling her cup and watching the liquid slosh in it.

“Not having fun, I assume?” Joohyun looks up at Seungwan, a wry smile ghosting her lips. Seungwan clears her throat, looking away.

“You know I’m not a fan of parties.”

“Me neither.” Joohyun shrugs.

“We don’t have to stay, you know. Seulgi said we could leave if we wanted.” She adds, and Seungwan huffs, downing the remaining of whatever terrible concoction of alcohol was in her cup, averting her gaze to the other partygoers, several whose gazes flicker to the woman next to her. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Joohyun is a well-known figure on-campus; despite being a rather private person, Joohyun’s reputation was the opposite of her personality, thanks to her part-time gig as a model. It also doesn’t take a genius to know that many people are probably head over heels for the older woman. Admittedly, Seungwan does feel some sort of attraction to Joohyun, but if asked about it, she’d deny it vehemently. Joohyun’s pretty—it isn’t a subjective thing. Everyone agreed on it, so really, it wasn’t that big of a deal that Seungwan found Joohyun attractive, since apparently half of the student population did too. And yet here she is, feigning indifference to Joohyun’s warm body pressed against hers in the chilly apartment.

There’s a few brief seconds of silence as both of them stare absently at the avid partygoers, their shoulders pressed against each other comfortably in the companionable silence.

“When is an appropriate time to leave a party?” Seungwan blurts out before she can think it through. She regrets it almost immediately, because Joohyun is shooting her an amused look, an eyebrow raised.

“I’d say in two hours or so,” She replies, the same smile still playing on her lips as she continues sipping from her cup, watching the other partygoers mingle in the tiny living room a few meters away. Seungwan glances at the clock beside the television. 11pm. Joohyun’s gaze flickers to Seungwan. “Are you that desperate to leave?”

Seungwan pauses. “Kind of.” She admits, hoping that Joohyun doesn’t wind up telling Seulgi this piece of information. Not that it really matters, because Seulgi already knows that Seungwan would rather spend her Friday nights sat in front of their apartment’s television in the dark, lounging on their couch with a bowl of popcorn, tucked under a warm blanket and binging episodes upon episodes on their shared Netflix account.

“I thought I at least made for interesting company,” Joohyun sighs, faux-disappointed, and Seungwan laughs a little. “You make it a little more bearable.” Seungwan shrugs, and she doesn’t miss the way Joohyun’s eyes linger on her after. In her slightly inebriated state, Seungwan’s vaguely aware that she might have just accidentally flirted with Joohyun—which really, is stupid, because there’s no way Joohyun would actually reciprocate, much less entertain her. They’ve been nothing but platonic for the past two years—save the occasional mostly playful, somewhat flirtatious challenges thrown at each other during their banters. And maybe Joohyun catching Seungwan staring absently at her once or twice.

“Then will you stay with me for a little longer?” Joohyun asks, oddly softly, surprising Seungwan into silence. Seungwan stares at her a little blankly, but Joohyun’s merely looking back at her expectantly. Inhaling sharply through her teeth, Seungwan drags her gaze to the half empty wine bottle on the kitchen counter.

“I’m getting a refill. You want any?” She smiles, and Joohyun presses her lips together, biting back a smile.

“Sure.”

Seungwan is a lot less sober than she intended to be at the beginning of Seulgi’s party. She’s not really sure how she ends up at Joohyun’s apartment a block away from the apartment Seulgi’s party is held at, pinned against the wall by Joohyun’s body pressing against hers, the older woman kissing her hard. An hour or so into bumping into Joohyun at the party, the two had shared a bottle of wine between them, catching up on what had happened between the time they’d last met. Somewhere along the line, Joohyun had offhandedly mentioned having a few flings—mostly unsatisfactory ones, claiming she didn’t exactly find having sex with strangers her thing.

 _“Why bother, then?” Seungwan throws her a quizzical look, which Joohyun rolls her eyes at. “I was stressed, and there weren’t a lot of available options.” She sniffs. “It’s not like any of you would be willing.” She mumbles under her breath, almost to herself, and Seungwan opens her mouth to object before snapping it shut just as quickly, her cheeks colouring. She’s just a little too drunk to be tactfully handling a subject like this, but Joohyun’s already looking at her, having sensed a response. And so, she does. “Well, you never exactly asked any one of us.” She says evenly, taking the nearly empty bottle from Joohyun and polishing off the remaining alcohol. Placing the bottle on the kitchen island, Seungwan chances a sideways glance, and Joohyun is staring at her, a mix of interest and incredulity. “Care to repeat that?” Seungwan shrugs as she returns to her previous position beside Joohyun, leaning against the older woman, staring at the floor pointedly. “You_ are _pretty attractive.”_

Seungwan can taste Joohyun’s strawberry chapstick and the wine they’d shared at the party. Groaning softly, she pulls Joohyun closer, who slips a hand in between them, fingers grazing her torso before moving to grasp gently at her waist as she trails kisses along Seungwan’s jaw and down her neck. The feeling of Joohyun’s lips against her neck, gentle yet teasing, has Seungwan groaning. Joohyun’s cheeks are tinted pink—from the alcohol or whatever it is that they’re doing, Seungwan doesn’t really know. Slowly, Joohyun moves away, slightly breathless as she meets Seungwan’s eyes. Her heartbeat is going a little too fast, and Seungwan’s breaths are barely steady, well aware of how close Joohyun is.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Her bottom lip is slightly swollen, sweater slightly rumpled from where Seungwan had slipped her hand beneath to grasp at her waist.

“Yes.” Seungwan breathes out, and she’s leaning in, closing the gap between them and kissing Joohyun again, surrendering to the feeling of Joohyun against her, warm and inviting.

*

The moment Seungwan blinks awake, she realizes three things. One, her head is throbbing, and two, the sunlight filtering into the room is oddly strong. Rubbing the sleep away, she props herself up groggily on one arm, squinting around. Three, she’s not in her room. There’s rustling next to her, and Seungwan spots Joohyun sitting up slowly, running a hand through her hair as she looks around, eyes still half-closed with sleep. Their eyes meet, and Seungwan tries not glance down at what is definitely Joohyun’s naked form, her cheeks warming.

“Good morning,” She says, her voice still a little husky and hoarse, and Joohyun laughs before returning the greeting with an amused smile. A soft ping from Seungwan’s phone somewhere on the floor interrupts them, and Seungwan sighs, slipping out of bed and fishing for her phone in her jeans pocket. Thirty notifications from Seulgi and Sooyoung, a mix of messages and unanswered calls, ranging from Sooyoung’s _‘seungwan where did you go lol’_ to Seulgi’s ‘ _wannie where are you you’re not in our dorm??’_ , an increasingly panicky _‘SEUNGWAN??????’_ , and twenty missed calls.

“Seulgi’s looking for you?” Joohyun asks, picking up her discarded sweater from yesterday and pulling it on before searching for her jeans, throwing Seungwan’s clothes in her general direction as she picks them up from the floor.

“And Sooyoung.” She’s in the midst of putting a leg into her jean shorts when another message from Sooyoung pops up.

_Sooyoung:_

_hey where are you??_

_class started half an hour ago,_ _i can’t_ _believe_ _you let_ _me rot in this_ _2_ _hour lecture_ _all by myself :(_

“Oh fuck.” Seungwan sends a quick text back, promising to be there in five minutes—a far stretch, but Sooyoung’s probably going to kill her otherwise—before putting on her clothes hurriedly, and Joohyun looks at her with a mix of what seems like confusion and curiosity.

“Do you have class?” Joohyun finally asks as Seungwan struggles with her crop top, and Seungwan just nods, too preoccupied with the task at hand. She technically could go into lecture wearing last night’s clothes and smell like alcohol, but Seungwan isn’t about to practically announce to roughly a hundred over students that she’d slept with someone last night. Still, she’s not going to miss a lecture just because of some clothes, and it seems like Joohyun knows this too.

“You’re going to smell like alcohol. Take those off and shower here, I’ll lend you my clothes.” Joohyun says, and Seungwan stops abruptly, looking at the older woman, hesitant.

“Go, you’re probably already late.” Joohyun shoos her to the bathroom, and Seungwan mumbles a quick thank you before speeding to the bathroom. When she emerges from the shower, there’s a towel placed at the towel rack for her, and a white hoodie and light blue jeans waiting, and Seungwan pulls them on hurriedly before entering the bedroom again, grabbing her wallet and phone from the bed where she’d last abandoned them.

“I’ll come by and return these to you after I’ve washed them! I’m so sorry!” Scrambling to class in someone else’s clothes was not what Seungwan thought was going to happen after a one-night stand, especially when she was never really one for such things, and much less when said one-night stand with her very own friend.

“I’ll wash yours and return them too,” Joohyun laughs, and with Joohyun’s generosity, the pinch of guilt in Seungwan’s chest grows.

“I’m really, really sorry!” She says again, and Joohyun just waves the apology away, guiding Seungwan to the door.

“You wash mine and I’ll wash yours. Just return me my stuff, or you won’t be getting yours back either.” Joohyun says, quirking a playful smile as she leans against the door frame, watching Seungwan suppress a smile in response before the younger woman disappears down the corridor with a flurry of footsteps.

Opening the doors to the lecture theatre, Seungwan is determined to keep her gaze focused on Sooyoung’s back. She hurries to her friend, acutely aware of the stares that follow her before she’s finally plopping down on the chair beside Sooyoung quietly, who turns to fix her with an accusatory glare, before blinking in confusion at Seungwan’s apparently empty hands.

“Give me a paper and pen,” Seungwan hisses under her breath, and Sooyoung shakes her head, sighing before fishing a notebook and a pen from her bag, pushing the materials to Seungwan.

“Where have you been?” She mutters, and Seungwan jots down a few quick notes, stalling for time.

“I forgot to set an alarm,” She replies vaguely, and Sooyoung types down something before turning to her, clearly unsatisfied with Seungwan’s answer.

“I’ve never seen you wear this hoodie or jeans, and you always bring your laptop even when you’re late.” When she doesn’t get a response, she continues. “Did you sleep with someone?” She raises an eyebrow, a teasing smirk already forming, and Seungwan pointedly faces the front, ignoring her friend. “So you did sleep with someone,” Sooyoung muses, her curiosity piqued. “Who did you sleep with?”

Seungwan huffs, tugging at the sleeve of her borrowed hoodie, trying to ignore the heat creeping up her neck. It wasn’t like Sooyoung was going to actually judge her for her choices—despite her relentless teasing, she was consistently supportive and open, but Seungwan didn’t think it Sooyoung needed to know, especially since it was Joohyun that Seungwan had slept with, and Seungwan could really do without the potential awkward atmosphere surrounding them whenever the five of them next met up.

“It’s a secret.” She says instead, wiggling her eyebrows playfully, and Sooyoung sighs, rolling her eyes before turning her attention back to her laptop, but Seungwan knows her a little too well. _Five. Four. Three. Two. And…_

“Seriously, who is it?” Seungwan holds back an amused snort and instead pointedly ignores Sooyoung, choosing instead to direct her full attention back to the projector screen.

“Are you ignoring me?” Sooyoung huffs. Silence. Seungwan’s about to write a note down, pen already pressed against the paper and in the beginnings of writing out a word when Sooyoung childishly elbows her arm, sending the ink streaking across the span of her paper.

“Hey!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doing a multi-chaptered fic for the first time in years. hopefully it all works out! also haha look at me finally posting something over 1000 words


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a whole chunk of smut in here, so if you're not into that just skip it!

Joohyun’s hoodie and jeans are washed, piled neatly on top of one another at the corner of Seungwan’s bed. Phone in hand, she’s sitting cross-legged and typing into her phone.

“It’s just a short message, don’t overthink it.” Seulgi’s voice interrupts her thoughts, the visual arts major sitting on a stool, paintbrush in hand as she works away at her assignment, eyes squinted in concentration.

“I’m not,” Seungwan protests, but Seulgi merely raises her eyebrows, her eyes never leaving the canvas.

“You don’t even know who I’m texting!” She sputters, and Seulgi just shakes her head.

“I can guess. Plus, you’ve been crafting that message for fifteen minutes now. You don’t even think for that long when you email your professors.” She counters, and Seungwan frowns, typing more decisively this time before hitting send.

“There, I did it.” Seungwan grumbles, and the visual arts major directs her attention to Seungwan’s phone, trying to catch a glimpse of the message, but Seungwan angles it away quickly, prompting an odd look from Seulgi.

“Could’ve told me it was a secret,” She shrugs, and Seungwan’s chewing her bottom lip, considering for a few seconds before she shows Seulgi the screen. The visual arts major glances up at her.

“You sure?” She confirms, and Seungwan nods, so Seulgi pulls Seungwan’s phone closer, eyes flickering to the top of the screen.

“Joohyun?” She asks, incredulous, and Seungwan scratches the back of her neck.

“Yeah.” She mumbles, and Seulgi just nods thoughtfully. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t want to make it weird between the five of us.”

“Obviously. I can’t believe you had so little trust in me.” Seulgi shoots her a faux-disappointed look before turning her attention back to her work.

Seungwan rolls her eyes, opening her mouth to object, but a soft ‘ping’ from her phone has her immediately snatching it up. She doesn’t miss the amused smile on Seulgi’s face.

“She says she’s free Sunday morning or evening.”

“That’s tomorrow? I heard law students have a test the day after.”

“Really?”

“You don’t know?”

“No…?”

“I thought you two would’ve caught up yesterday.”

“Not entirely.” Seungwan mumbles. She can feel her cheeks getting warm at the memory of Joohyun leaning against her at the party, lips brushing against her neck; Joohyun’s hand grasping her wrist, pinning it against the mattress as she fucks Seungwan. Soft, ragged breaths puffing against Seungwan’s ear and the feeling of Joohyun’s fingers in her, drawing whimpered pleas and moans easily from Seungwan’s lips.

Seungwan’s been on this path countless times. The stone pavement to Joohyun’s dormitory building beneath her sneakers are familiar, but the jittery feeling in her body is definitely something new and foreign. _It’s just returning her clothes. Just hand it over and get yours back, it’s not that hard. She’s your friend, there’s nothing weird. You promised not to make it weird._ Seungwan wills herself to calm down as she approaches the building. It’s quiet, with only a handful of students making their way across campus in the early morning. Entering the building, Seungwan heads into the elevator, already familiar with the layout and Joohyun’s room from the times they’d gathered together in the older woman’s room to catch up and drink. Eighth floor, fourth room to the right _. No need to be nervous. It’s just Joohyun._ She stops before a nondescript, light wooden door. The only indicator that Joohyun lived in this room was her name simply scrawled on the small whiteboard on the wall beside the door, void of any other doodles like the ones Seungwan had passed by along the corridor save for a small rabbit that Sooyoung had doodled as a joke a few months ago, when they’d last met up. It’s quiet on the other side of the door. Raising a hand, Seungwan knocks on the door softly, fingers gripping the paper bag tightly. There’s rustling on the other side of the door before it creaks open, revealing Joohyun in a loose white shirt and sweatpants, paired with a long, light grey cardigan and rounded glasses. Her hair is held up in a messy bun, and it seems like she hasn’t been up for that long, because Joohyun still looks a little dazed and sleepy. Their eyes meet, and Joohyun gives her a tired smile.

“Got your stuff.” Seungwan holds out the paper bag, trying to ignore the awkwardness in her tone. Joohyun raises an eyebrow, but takes the paper bag anyway and shuffles to the side, leaving the doorway open.

“Do you want to come in?”

Seungwan blinks. There wasn’t really a need for it, given it was just exchanging clothes, and yet she finds herself nodding, flashing Joohyun a smile before making her way into the familiar room, toeing off her shoes near the door, where several pairs of sneakers and heels lay haphazardly, barely arranged. Now that Seungwan’s sober and significantly less rushed, she spots Joohyun’s closed laptop on her desk, several books stacked on top, almost on the brink of collapsing, with several more scattered on the floor near her. Which is odd, because Joohyun’s usually neat and organized.

“Sorry, it’s a little messy. I have a test coming up.” Joohyun’s voice breaks Seungwan out of her trance, and Seungwan turns to see Joohyun retrieving a familiar set of clothes out of her wardrobe, folding them neatly.

“I heard.” Seungwan smiles, and Joohyun looks up, surprised.

“Seulgi told me.” She explains, and Joohyun lets out a soft ‘oh’, nodding in acknowledgement.

“Have you eaten?” Joohyun asks, and Seungwan shakes her head. “Since you’re here, let’s have breakfast together.” Joohyun suggests, passing Seungwan back the paper bag with her own clothes now packed inside.

“Are you paying for me?” Seungwan grins, and Joohyun huffs, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Fine.” She relents, and Seungwan lets out a whoop, dragging an amused Joohyun behind her.

*

“Seul! Are you coming later?” Seungwan calls, and there’s a loud clatter from their shared bathroom, followed by a hurried ‘I’m fine!’ before Seulgi emerges, clutching a bunch of her paintbrushes, looking slightly frazzled.

“Nope, I need to finish this up.” She points to a partially filled canvas, and Seungwan nods.

“Oh. It’s just me and Joohyun then? Sooyoung’s busy too and Yerim’s out visiting family.”

“You two haven’t talked since that day?”

“Not really.” A few text messages here and there and an occasional meme Seungwan sends to Joohyun that prompts laughter from the older, but other than that, they haven’t exactly had a proper conversation since. It’s almost as if the entire incident hadn’t happened, which was… strange, to say the least.

“You two should really talk about it.”

Seungwan sighs. “Yeah, we probably should.”

Seungwan arrives with the dinner she’s promised Joohyun, together with a bottle of soju as a little surprise for the law student after her harrowing test. Upon spotting the alcohol, Joohyun’s face had lit up in a bright smile, prompting a chuckle from Seungwan. They’re sitting by the small, foldable table Joohyun has, a movie playing on the older woman’s laptop. Seungwan doesn’t exactly know what movie they’re watching – Joohyun had been the one to pick it, but judging by how she’s been silently sipping on their shared bottle of soju instead of commenting on the movie, Seungwan guesses she probably isn’t paying much attention either. It’s almost painfully evident how the both of them are avoiding the elephant in the room. The tension is thick—something that Seungwan isn’t used to with Joohyun.

“Seungwan, you know that I don’t do relationships, right?” Joohyun breaks the silence at last, and Seungwan blinks, nodding uncertainly. “I just… don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” Joohyun mumbles, and Seungwan huffs.

“I’ve known you for two years, have a little more faith in me, will you?”

“Better safe than sorry,” Joohyun counters easily, and Seungwan hums in acknowledgement just as Joohyun leans against her. She’s leaning her cheek against Seungwan’s shoulder, humming along quietly to the soundtrack of the movie playing in the background, and then Joohyun’s looping an arm around Seungwan’s own—a habit that the older had developed ever since she’d realized that Seungwan was a pretty great heat source in colder days.

“You’re not even halfway through and you’re already getting drunk?” Seungwan snorts, earning herself an unamused look from the older.

“I’ll have you know that my tolerance is way better than this.” She sniffs.

“That sounds like what someone with a low tolerance would say.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Seungwan is well aware of the possible implications. She hadn’t exactly meant for their little catch-up to evolve to this sort of banter and unspoken tension, but it’s definitely not something that she’s opposed to, either. Joohyun’s lifted her cheek from her shoulder, and there’s something in her eyes that tells Seungwan that she might have sparked something in the older woman. Their gazes meet, and Seungwan holds hers steady, a silent question, and Joohyun merely responds by leaning in, slowly at first, searching Seungwan’s eyes for confirmation. When the younger woman closes the gap between them, Joohyun’s kissing her, hard. There’s a soft thud as Joohyun places the bottle of soju on the desk before her hands are gripping Seungwan’s waist, wrinkling her neatly ironed button down. Joohyun’s trailing kisses along Seungwan’s jaw, nipping playfully as she presses more kisses down Seungwan’s neck, prompting a moan from the younger.

“Careful, the walls are kind of thin here.” Joohyun chuckles.

“Could’ve told me that before you fucked me here the other night,” Seungwan mumbles, and barely a second later she’s inhaling sharply as Joohyun’s fingers slip beneath her shirt, feather-light touches ghosting against her skin.

“Oops.” Joohyun says, but her tone is completely unapologetic as her fingers trail across Seungwan’s stomach, slowly inching higher. Seungwan’s breaths are shaky; she’s pulling Joohyun closer, their bodies pressed against one another as Joohyun moves to straddle her. She’s kissing Seungwan again, nipping Seungwan’s bottom lip playfully before swiping her tongue along it, and Seungwan shivers from the touch, swallowing back a whimper. Her hands are moving lower, squeezing Joohyun’s ass, and she’s rewarded with a soft groan, the older woman rocking back into her touch. Seungwan’s back is pressing uncomfortably into the bed frame, but with Joohyun on top of her and practically grinding on her, it’s hardly a sacrifice. Eventually, Joohyun pulls away and before Seungwan can ask, Joohyun’s guiding her to the bed, and Seungwan finds herself with her back now against the soft mattress, arms looped around Joohyun’s neck. She doesn’t even have to pull Joohyun close, because the older woman is already kissing her again, and Seungwan cheeks are warm from arousal. The space between them feels impossibly warm, and it only heightens as Joohyun presses a thigh against her centre.

“Fuck,” Groaning, Seungwan bucks against Joohyun, desperate for some form of friction as the older woman continues leaving kisses along her jaw and neck, whispering soft praises against her ear that has a shiver running down her spine.

“Not so smug now, are you?” Joohyun’s voice is husky, and Seungwan barely chokes back a whimper, letting herself sink into the feeling of Joohyun pressed against her, the feeling of Joohyun’s hands grasping hers loosely but firmly, just enough to let Seungwan know who’s in control. It’s almost embarrassing how much Seungwan enjoys this; enjoys relinquishing control, the thrill of being at the mercy of someone else. It’s also almost ridiculous how wet Seungwan is—Joohyun’s barely touched her, and she’s already grinding herself against Joohyun’s thigh, desperate for more. Her answer comes in the form of Joohyun reaching between them, unbuttoning Seungwan’s blouse slowly, fingers brushing along the curve of her breasts as she works her way down. Seungwan convinced she’s doing this on purpose, because there’s the faintest of smirks ghosting Joohyun’s lips. Seungwan’s suspicions are confirmed when they lock eyes again, and there’s amusement dancing in Joohyun’s eyes as she watches Seungwan’s gaze dart to her fingers making their way down her blouse agonizingly slowly. The piece of clothing is left forgotten on the floor the moment the last button is released, quickly joined by Seungwan’s pants and bra, leaving her in nothing but her panties. Joohyun follows likewise, and within minutes she’s straddled on top of Seungwan again. She looks nothing short of breathtaking—Seungwan’s seen her before once, but she’d been a little bit more than tipsy the previous time—even with her hair tied in a loose, messy ponytail, Joohyun is beautiful. Seungwan swallows, trying not to stare, and it seems like Joohyun knows this too, because her eyes are following Seungwan’s gaze, a faint smile dancing on her lips.

“It’s okay, you can look.” She teases, and Seungwan clears her throat, cheeks flushing red.

“I wasn’t looking.” She denies, and Joohyun snorts, leaning in once again, and Seungwan kisses her. It’s a little sloppy, driven by lust and need, but Joohyun doesn’t seem to mind, her hand slipping between their bodies and down, between Seungwan’s legs. Her panties are practically soaked.

“I didn’t even touch you and you’re already this wet?” Joohyun raises an eyebrow, smiling, and Seungwan looks away, huffing.

“It’s not my fault you’re really fucking good at this,” She grumbles, but Joohyun just grins and tilts her head back to face her, pressing a kiss to Seungwan’s lips.

“No, it isn’t.” She murmurs, almost to herself, and she’s stroking a teasing finger against Seungwan’s clit through the thin material of her panties, and Seungwan chokes back a moan, hips rising to press against Joohyun, hoping to create more friction, but Joohyun pushes her back down gently, firmly.

“You’re so impatient.” She snorts, and Seungwan squirms against her.

“Then fuck me already.”

Joohyun’s gaze snaps to meet Seungwan’s own. There’s a few long seconds of silence before Joohyun’s hooking her fingers under Seungwan’s panties, slipping them off her legs easily, where it joins the pile of clothes abandoned at the foot of the bed before she’s shifting herself down between Seungwan’s legs. Placing a pillow under Seungwan’s hips, Joohyun presses a kiss along the inside of her thigh. Seungwan whines, hiding her face in her elbow as Joohyun continues to tease her, sucking at the skin, leaving an angry, reddish mark, biting and nipping at the expanse of the skin. The feeling of Joohyun’s teeth and lips against her thighs, so close to where she needs Joohyun, has Seungwan whining and gripping the sheets, broken, whispered pleas spilling from her lips as Joohyun inches closer to her centre. She’s looking at Seungwan with barely concealed mirth as she continues leaving hickeys along the younger woman’s inner thighs, fingers digging into the soft flesh of Seungwan’s thighs, keeping her there as she teases her slowly, watching as Seungwan whimpers, the sheets fisted in her grasp, desperate for more. Joohyun eventually reaches Seungwan’s centre, and Seungwan’s breathing hard, cheeks tinted pink, eager and waiting. Slowly, Joohyun presses a kiss there, and Seungwan sucks in a sharp inhale between her teeth. Then, the older woman’s tongue is on her clit, pressing and licking slowly, and Seungwan bites back a moan, head thumping back against the mattress, fingers curling into Joohyun’s hair, keeping her there as she slowly starts pleasuring Seungwan. Heat pools in her abdomen, and Joohyun’s grip on Seungwan’s thighs tighten as Seungwan bucks against her, moaning. The memory of Joohyun fucking her earlier in the week is splotchy at best, and now Seungwan’s not quite sure how she ever forgot in the first place. Then, the warmth from Joohyun’s lips is gone. Seungwan glances down, puzzled, and Joohyun’s lifted her head slightly, breaths unsteady.

“Can I…?” She sounds a little breathless, and Seungwan has to bite back a snarky remark, what with her pleasure being more or less in Joohyun’s hands.

“God, yes, just fuck me already.” She whines, and Joohyun laughs a little, shaking her head before she pushes a finger into Seungwan slowly.

“Fuck,” Seungwan hisses, her grip on Joohyun’s hair tightening, and Joohyun presses soft, gentle kisses along her inner thighs, tongue just barely brushing against the red marks she’d left previously, drawing quiet whimpers from the younger woman above her. When Seungwan gives her the permission, Joohyun starts pumping her finger in and out slowly, and Seungwan’s whimpers quickly turn into whining and unabashed moaning, grinding down into Joohyun’s mouth as she sucks gently on her clit simultaneously.

“More,” Seungwan’s practically begging, her voice shaky and broken. Her breath hitches, a soft gasp escaping as Joohyun inserts another finger into her, stilling to let her adjust. The older woman pushes herself up until she’s face to face with Seungwan and kisses her. Seungwan can taste herself on Joohyun’s tongue and groans into the kiss, drowning in the feeling of being filled and Joohyun pressing kisses to her lips, cheek and jaw.

“So pretty.” Joohyun murmurs, and Seungwan practically melts under her whispered praises, eyelids fluttering shut as Joohyun nestles her face into her neck, leaving gentle kisses as she slowly works her fingers. The pool of heat in Seungwan’s abdomen only grows, and the younger woman moans as Joohyun picks up the speed. She can hear the lewd, wet sounds of Joohyun fucking her amidst the quiet room, whimpering at the feeling of Joohyun fucking her so fully, of Joohyun’s fingers curling inside of her, hitting just the right spot, of Joohyun’s ragged breaths puffing next to her ear as the older woman fucks her steadily.

“You look so fucking good when you’re needy like this,” Joohyun murmurs, and Seungwan hates to admit how much she loves this; being completely at the mercy of Joohyun, being able to have control stripped from her and be okay with it. She can only whimper in response, and Joohyun chuckles, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Then, she angles her fingers a little, and Seungwan cries out as a spark of pleasure shoots through her. She quickly becomes a writhing mess as Joohyun continues to fuck her, toes curling as she eventually climaxes, hips stuttering as pleasure ripples through her body. Despite this, Joohyun’s still fucking her, her pace slowing before she eventually pulls out. Seungwan’s breaths are unsteady and she’s breathing hard, a pleasant buzz in her body, and she lifts her head, gaze sliding over to Joohyun, who looks probably just as wrecked as Seungwan feels. There’s a small smirk dancing on Joohyun’s lips as she raises the two fingers she’d fucked Seungwan with to her mouth, making sure that the younger woman was watching her before she lifts them to her lips, sucking on them, and Seungwan groans, letting her head thump back against the mattress. There’s a soft chuckle from Joohyun before she’s holding Seungwan close, arms wrapped loosely around Seungwan’s waist.

“You okay?” Her voice is gentle, concerned. Seungwan nods, not quite trusting herself to speak just yet, instead letting Joohyun cuddle her, basking in the warmth.

She turns around a while later, coming face to face with Joohyun, pressing a kiss to her lips before she’s slipping a hand between them.

*

Friends with benefits. That’s what they essentially were, right? Seungwan frowns.

“Well, we never really did put a label on it. Joohyun made it clear that she’s not interested in a relationship, so… I guess?” She shrugs, and skepticism is written all over Seulgi’s face despite her best efforts to conceal it. Not that she was ever good at hiding her emotions—neither of them are.

“What?” Seungwan says defensively, and Seulgi frowns a little.

“It’s not like you to not get emotionally attached to things like these.” She points out, and Seungwan deflates a little, poking at the remaining pasta on her plate. They’re in their shared apartment, sat at a cramped table not quite big enough for two. “Besides, Joohyun’s probably not going to be getting into a relationship any time soon.” She continues, and the knowledge hangs heavy in the air. It had been a huge commotion on campus when Joohyun had broken up with her ex-girlfriend almost two years ago—just slightly before Seungwan had become acquainted with her. The topic was something none of them brought up; it had clearly done quite a bit of damage to Joohyun, what with the breakup being a bad one and becoming public knowledge, and if the older hasn’t broached the subject in the last two years, Seungwan doesn’t think she’d willingly talk about it when asked. Word was that Joohyun had been cheated on for a solid half a year, and it was safe to say that it didn’t end well when she had eventually found out about the whole affair. The details are still unknown, but Seungwan doesn’t think it’s her place to ask Joohyun anyway. Wordlessly, Seulgi reaches across the table and snags the remainder of Seungwan’s pasta off her plate.

“You’re meeting her tomorrow, right?” She mumbles around her mouth full of pasta, and Seungwan shoots her a disapproving look, to which Seulgi just offers her a sheepish smile.

“Swallow your food before you talk. And yes, I am.”

It’s become a weird routine. There isn’t a fixed schedule, but Seungwan finds herself in Joohyun’s room every other week when the older woman leaves her a text, melting under Joohyun’s touch, soft moans and pleas spilling from her lips; Joohyun’s quiet groans and the way she chokes back moans as Seungwan fucks her, the way Joohyun’s breath hitches when Seungwan leaves teasing kisses and nips down her neck. She never really stays for long after, even though Joohyun hadn’t explicitly set any rules save for not becoming romantically invested.

“Remind me again why I didn’t ask you sooner,” Joohyun huffs as Seungwan pulls on her sweater. The older woman is already dressed in her pajamas after showering, toweling her hair dry.

“Because you never asked?” She replies easily, earning herself a half-hearted jab in the ribs.

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“With a law student? I would never.”

“Says the one studying neuroscience.” Joohyun laughs, and Seungwan opens her mouth to reply, but finds herself not quite able to refute that one.

“I should get going. It’s pretty late.” She says instead, gesturing vaguely towards the door. It’s only ten in the evening—not late by any standards, really, but Seungwan’s determined to keep their arrangements purely on the sexual side. The last thing she needs is getting attached, and she’s not exactly about to give Seulgi the satisfaction of being proven right.

“I’ll drive you.” Joohyun’s already putting on a coat over her pajamas, searching for her car keys.

“No, no, it’s okay! It’s just a fifteen minute walk.”

“Like you said, it’s late. I can’t possibly let you walk all the way back yourself like that.” Joohyun’s already at the door, so Seungwan just sighs, shaking her head and letting Joohyun open the door for her.

Joohyun’s car is nothing to brag about; a second-hand sedan that’s somehow just barely holding it together. It’s kind of a miracle it hasn’t broken down in the two years that Seungwan’s known Joohyun. She tells the older woman this, and Joohyun just gives her a half-hearted glare.

“Don’t jinx it, Son Seungwan.”

Seungwan laughs as she settles herself into the worn passenger seat, with Joohyun beside her. The engine revs loudly, sputtering weakly as the older woman starts the car, and in a few seconds they’re pulling out of the small parking lot in front of the building.

“Do you mind if I make a stop at the convenience store?” Joohyun asks.

Seungwan shrugs. “Go ahead, I’m not in much of a rush anyway.” Joohyun hums her acknowledgement as she makes a turn, and the convenience store on campus comes into view. Getting off the car, Joohyun makes a beeline for the entrance, closely followed by Seungwan. The glasses doors slide open with a soft chime, and Joohyun’s heading straight for the drinks section, coming to a stop before the refrigerated alcohol bottles and beer cans.

“ _That’s_ what you’re buying?” Seungwan snorts. Joohyun hums in acknowledgement as she picks out a soju bottle.

“I’m graduating this year with a bunch of deadlines due this week, I think I’m allowed.” She raises an eyebrow, and Seungwan shrugs, reaching for a beer can.

“No judgments here.”

“Oh, wow.” Joohyun’s voice is dripping with sarcasm, prompting a laugh from Seungwan. They bring their purchases to the counter, and Seungwan’s fishing for her wallet when Joohyun slides Seungwan’s beer can together with her own soju bottle, paying for the both of them with a beep of her credit card before Seungwan can protest. Grabbing both their purchases, she hands Seungwan’s to her, and the younger woman smiles.

“Thanks.”

Joohyun merely waves it away, mumbling about it not being that big of deal and that Seungwan was taking too long to find her wallet. They head back to the car, and Seungwan cracks open her can of beer, taking a sip and sighing in satisfaction. The fifteen minute walk translates into a short five minute drive, with Joohyun quietly navigating her way to Seungwan’s dormitory building, they arrive in no time. Seungwan slips out of the car, and before shutting the door close, she peeks down to meet Joohyun’s eyes.

“Thank you,” Seungwan smiles, and Joohyun’s not exactly sure what Seungwan is thanking her for— the sex, the offer to give her a ride back to her dorm, or her drink, but she smiles back anyway, because it’s Seungwan.

Seungwan tries to ignore the way her breath hitches in her throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brb bonking myself to horny jail for this one. apologies for the subpar smut, im not very good at it as of now, but hey at least there's some plot development ongoing in here 🤪 thank you for all the love, kudos & comments on the 1st chapter, i really wasn't expecting this big of a response 😭 really grateful & happy that yall are liking the content, hopefully this one didn't disappoint too much. i struggled with this section for a whole 2 weeks;;; i have more that's already been written but i'm spacing them out slowly so it gives me time to change anything if i want to & to edit them haha
> 
> also i have a twitter acct @wenrockfish if any of yall wanna yell at me/talk to me! im not super active there bcs i lurk on my other acct, but i'll start to use this one more often :)


	3. Chapter 3

“God, it feels like forever since I’ve seen all of us together.” Yerim says, and Sooyoung gives her an odd look.

“It’s only been a month,” She points out. “We met at Seulgi’s party, remember?”

“Yeah, but we weren’t together!”

“That’s because you were off getting drunk.” Joohyun snorts, and Yerim frowns, not quite able to refute that statement.

“Well, to be fair, I barely saw the two of you. You were there at the start, and then halfway through I couldn’t find you guys and thought you went home.” Yerim shrugs as she takes a bite of her food. The five of them are cramped into Joohyun’s room and huddled around her trusty mini table, with food laid out alongside a few bottles of soju. Seungwan and Joohyun are sat on the edge of Joohyun’s bed, given that the floor is just a little bit too small for all five of them. Seungwan chances a glance at Joohyun, but the older woman’s gaze is fixed on her food, and Seulgi, thankfully, isn’t giving her any looks.

“Yeah, sorry. I went back a little after. Wasn’t really up for partying.” Seungwan shrugs, and Yerim just rolls her eyes. “You’re never up for partying.”

“Correct.” Seungwan smiles.

“Can’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with a bunch of drunk people in such a small place.” Joohyun says.

“That’s unfair, you don’t like parties either.” Sooyoung objects.

“I don’t hate them, they’re okay when the alcohol’s okay.”

“That’s the same thing!”

“I’m just happy all of you came to the party,” Seulgi interjects, cutting off the squabble before it can start, and casts a glance to the duo sitting on the bed. “Especially since I know it’s not really the kind of thing you guys like.”

“I wouldn’t dare miss out on my best friend’s birthday party.” Seungwan grins, and Seulgi laughs. It’s nice to have the five of them back together again, even with the bickering. It’s definitely something Seungwan has missed since the last time they had all met up. While Seungwan’s social circle remained relatively large, her close friends were few and far in between—Seungwan could probably count them all with her two hands, the four women currently with her included. They don’t really do anything much together—mostly having meals or drinking together to catch up on each other’s lives when their schedules allowed for it or watching movies together in Joohyun’s or Sooyoung and Yerim’s shared apartment. There’s also the occasional road trip down to a nearby town over the weekend, but with Joohyun in her last year of being an undergraduate, Seungwan, Seulgi and Sooyoung moving on to their second year and Yerim freshly enrolled in the same university, time for leisure is becoming increasingly scarce.

“I want to watch a movie,” Yerim announces, but she’s already reaching for Joohyun’s remote, quickly grabbing it and surfing through the eldest’s Netflix account.

“Please, anything but Harry Potter.” Seungwan pleads, just as Yerim clicks on an exceedingly familiar movie poster, prompting a chorus of groans around the small room as the familiar setting and music of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ starts showing onscreen. Despite the initial protests, all of them eventually settle in and quieten as the movie starts playing, the screen the only source of light in the darkened room since Sooyoung had switched off the lights when the movie had begun. Seungwan’s seen _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ multiple times—they all have, given Yerim’s obsession with the Harry Potter franchise, and their soft spot for the youngest member of their friend group. Seungwan could probably recite most scenes from memory if asked, but she enjoys the movie nonetheless, especially in company of the others. Seulgi and Sooyoung give their own opinions at certain intervals, commenting on this and that, which earns them the occasional shushes from Joohyun. It’s a familiar and comforting dynamic, and Seungwan’s definitely missed this.

Somewhere halfway throughout the movie, Seungwan becomes aware of Joohyun’s hand inching closer under the covers, fingertips brushing against the back of her hand. She stills and glances sideways, but Joohyun’s attention is fixed on the movie, so Seungwan turns her attention back to the screen, lifting her bottle of soju to her lips. She’s acutely aware of the pressure of Joohyun’s fingers resting on her hand, and then they slip further down to interlace their fingers together, her grip gentle. Seungwan freezes and glances at Joohyun again, who smiles as Seungwan holds her hand a little tighter, and they stay like this for the rest of the movie, Joohyun’s thumb occasionally tracing random patterns across Seungwan’s hand, and Seungwan tries not to think about how warm Joohyun’s hand is, and how her heart is thumping in her chest a little too quickly. It’s far from the first time they’ve held hands, but somehow it feels strangely intimate.

“You don’t look very upset for someone who’s just watched Cedric Diggory die,” Joohyun’s quiet voice interrupts her thoughts, and Seungwan’s attention flickers to the screen, where the said character is lying prone and unresponsive on the floor, with Yerim bemoaning his death, much to Seungwan’s amusement.

“To be fair, I’ve watched this more times than I really should have.” Seungwan shrugs as Joohyun leans against her shoulder, yawning.

“Then I’m assuming you’re bored?” Joohyun’s tone is deceptively innocent enough, and Seungwan shakes her head with a huff. She’s not really sure whether to be impressed or flustered.

“Are you?” Seungwan returns the question, grinning as Joohyun blinks, clearly caught off-guard by the response. Their fingers are still intertwined, with Joohyun still leaning against her, the older woman’s attention jumping between the television screen and Seungwan. “Cat got your tongue?” Seungwan adds, just for good measure, and she earns herself a slap on the arm for the comment as Joohyun settles against her again, chuckling. There’s a few brief minutes of silence as they tune back in to the movie before Joohyun speaks again, just soft enough for Seungwan to hear.

“So, are you interested?”

Seungwan fights back a grin, looking down at Joohyun, who’s watching her curiously. It’s almost embarrassing how addictive Joohyun has become—the past few experiences with her were enough for Seungwan to easily place the older woman as one of the best people she’d slept with, and with Joohyun’s interest in Seungwan as well, their arrangements had become more frequent. Despite all this, Seungwan hadn’t quite expected Joohyun to ask her when the rest of their friends were clearly within earshot; Seungwan isn’t one for sharing about her sex life, and neither is Joohyun. Not usually, anyway.

“I’m assuming you mean later?” Seungwan raises an eyebrow.

“Unless you don’t mind having an audience,” Joohyun smiles, and subsequently snorts as Seungwan’s eyes widen, scandalized. “Of course I meant later.”

“Sure. I’ll leave with them and text you later?”

Just as Joohyun hums in acknowledgement, there’s a dull thump as a throw pillow smacks against Seungwan’s arm, prompting a loud squeak from Joohyun as she flinches from the sudden disruption.

“Stop whispering, we’re trying to watch a movie here!”

By the time they all call it a night, it’s almost one in the morning, with Seulgi on the brink of tipsiness, cheeks tinted pink and swaying slightly as Seungwan supports her with an arm wrapped around her best friend’s waist as the five of them pile out of Joohyun’s room and into the dormitory’s corridor, Joohyun shushing them once again as Yerim and Sooyoung’s voices echo into the empty corridor. Taking the lift down to the first floor, the five women quickly identify the familiar sedan and clamber in as the car unlocks with a weak beep. Joohyun starts the car, and they’re pulling out of the parking lot, headed towards Yerim and Sooyoung’s dormitory. They drop the two younger women off just in front of the building, bidding their goodbyes before they’re headed towards Seungwan and Seulgi’s dormitory. By now, Seulgi has her head on Seungwan’s shoulder, her eyes closed, nestled comfortably into her best friend’s neck at the back of the car as Joohyun navigates her way. Soon enough, they arrive at the designated building and Seungwan nudges Seulgi awake, who lifts her head sleepily, squinting around before taking Seungwan’s proffered hand and getting out of the car. Joohyun waves goodbye, and Seungwan’s smiling in amusement, but returns the greeting anyway, prompting a snort from the older woman. The duo enters the building with a quick swipe of their passes, taking the elevator up to their room. Seulgi’s still a little tipsy, and Seungwan has to guide her a little to their room. Toeing off her shoes, Seulgi makes a beeline for the bed, flopping down into the soft covers and groaning as Seungwan settles herself onto her chair, fishing out her phone and shooting a quick text to Joohyun.

_gonna wait for seul to sleep first, i’ll be down in fifteen minutes or so!_

Joohyun responds with a short ‘sure’, and Seungwan pockets her phone again, holding back a sigh.

“Are you not meeting Joohyun?” Seulgi’s voice floats from across the cramped room, and Seungwan stiffens.

“What makes you say that?”

“You two were basically eyefucking each other earlier on, so I kind of guessed.” She laughs, and Seungwan’s not really sure if she wants to throw her pillow at Seulgi or bury her face in the aforementioned pillow and scream. “Don’t keep her waiting! Just remember we’re having breakfast together tomorrow.”

“I wouldn’t dare to forget.” Seungwan smiles. It’s their weekly tradition of getting breakfast at a nearby café—a great way to unwind and treat themselves for getting through the week, as Seulgi says, and Seungwan can’t agree more, not when the coffee is good and her company even better.

Joohyun’s waiting for Seungwan exactly where they’d left her, the car engine rumbling. As Seungwan slides into the front passenger seat, she spots the look of confusion on the older woman’s face.

“I thought you said fifteen minutes. It’s been barely five.”

“Seulgi found out.” Seungwan shrugs, and Joohyun’s looking at her with barely concealed alarm. “She promised not to tell.”

The older woman shoots her a doubtful look, but eventually settles back into her seat, looking away. “Well, if you say so.” She shrugs, revving the car engine. It sputters weakly before the car lurches forward, and they’re on their way back. It’s quiet save for Seungwan singing under her breath along to the radio, and Joohyun’s more than happy to have the younger woman’s voice fill the silence between them. Not that the silence is uncomfortable – it never is, really—but more of the fact that Joohyun likes Seungwan’s voice. Despite her background in neuroscience, Seungwan is an exceptional singer; something that the younger woman denies hastily with a great amount of humility whenever she was complimented. They arrive at Joohyun’s dormitory building once again, and it almost feels like déjà vu when they’re in her room; except this time, Joohyun has Seungwan against the wall, their bodies pressed close, with Joohyun kissing her hungrily. Gripping Joohyun’s waist, Seungwan’s pulling her closer, savouring the feeling of Joohyun against her, the warmth of the older woman’s body pressed against hers, the soft, ragged pants when they part for air. Seungwan’s breath hitches in her throat when Joohyun leaves a trail of soft kisses along her neck teasingly, swallowing back a whimper as Joohyun’s fingers brush against her shirt, lifting it. It lands on the floor beside her, already forgotten as Joohyun kneels between her legs. A soft, strangled gasp slips past Seungwan’s lips as Joohyun presses a gentle kiss just below her navel, grinning.

She’s pretty fucked. Lying with Joohyun’s arms wrapped loosely around her, the covers tugged over both their bare shoulders and Joohyun dozing with her face resting against Seungwan’s back, Seungwan thinks she might be a little in over her head. The thumping of her heart against her chest isn’t going away, and neither is the weird feeling of nervousness buzzing through her veins. She swallows, shifting a little.

“Would you stop wriggling around? I’m trying to sleep.” Joohyun complains from behind her, but there’s no venom behind her words. Seungwan mumbles an apology anyway, and Joohyun just hugs her a little tighter, burying her face into the crook of Seungwan’s neck. Seungwan’s breath catches in her throat, and she swears Joohyun can hear her heart thumping.

It’s stupid.

Foolish, actually, because she really shouldn’t be feeling anything at all. Not anything that makes Seungwan feel unreasonably nervous in front of Joohyun, anyway.

“Am I going to have you to myself tomorrow morning?” Joohyun asks, but her words are slurred with sleepiness.

“Unfortunately, no. I have a breakfast date with Seulgi.” Seungwan replies, and she can feel Joohyun’s breath puff against her neck as she laughs.

“That’s fair. Next time, then.”

Seungwan kind of both hates and loves the chill that runs down her spine.

Returning to her shared room with Seulgi had been surprisingly peaceful. Not that Seungwan expects Seulgi to bombard her with questions—she’s never really been one for that—but her best friend had merely garbled out a ‘Good morning!’ around her toothbrush before returning to brushing her teeth. There’s a few minutes of rustling and clinking before Seulgi emerges from the bathroom and lets Seungwan take her turn.

“I take it that you didn’t miss my snoring?” Seulgi smiles as she bunches her hair up, tying it into a messy ponytail. Seungwan elbows her half-heartedly in response, but they’re both laughing.

“I did, actually. It was too quiet, I couldn’t sleep that well.”

Seulgi snorts. “Are you sure it’s because of me?” There’s an embarrassed ‘Oh my God’ from Seungwan, and Seulgi earns herself a slap on the shoulder when Seungwan returns from the bathroom.

It’s relatively empty when they arrive at the café, and it doesn’t take them long to decide their orders. Seungwan’s not really one for adventure, so she goes with her regular iced latte and pancakes, while Seulgi picks something called ‘Crab Tart’. Seungwan raises an eyebrow at her choice, but her best friend shrugs.

“It was the next thing on the menu.” It had initially started out as a joke of sorts—since they were here every week, Seungwan had suggested Seulgi to try everything on the menu by picking the next thing on the list the next time they came—Seungwan just hadn’t expected Seulgi to actually go through with it, and actually enjoy it. It’s been about three months since, and Seulgi’s halfway through her quest.

“So, how’re you doing?” Seulgi says, and Seungwan shoots her an odd look.

“I see you every day, Seul.”

“I meant with Joohyun, dummy.” At this, Seungwan falls quiet, stirring her drink to preoccupy herself. The clinking of ice fills the momentary silence, and Seulgi waits patiently, like she always does.

Fiddling with her straw, Seungwan shrugs. “It’s okay, I guess.”

“‘I guess’?” Seulgi’s eyebrows are raised, and her focus on Seungwan doesn’t even break when their food arrives a few seconds later.

“It’s going pretty okay.” Seungwan says again. Seulgi furrows her eyebrows, but turns her attention momentarily to her food as she digs in.

“That sounds less than satisfactory. What happened?” She mumbles around her mouthful of crab, ignoring Seungwan’s frown at her.

“Nothing, I just…” She exhales through her nose sharply, turning her gaze to the window, disgruntled. “You might be right.” From the corner of her eye, Seungwan can see Seulgi turning her full attention to her, and her gaze slides back to meet Seulgi’s.

“Do elaborate.”

Seungwan bites her lip. She’s not really all that sure if she wants to share this piece of information with Seulgi—a first in their many years of friendship, Seungwan realizes with a tinge of guilt. She already knows what Seulgi’s going to say—that she should stop this arrangement with Joohyun immediately, for reasons that both of them are well aware of. It isn’t just putting Seungwan’s own wellbeing at stake, but also her and Joohyun’s friendship, and possibly by extension, the group’s friendship. Not that Seungwan is convinced that their group will fall apart because of this hiccup, but still, it’s not something she wants to find out. Yet, Seulgi’s staring at her almost expectantly, and Seungwan can’t exactly find it in herself to refuse.

“I might be a little more emotionally invested than I thought I was.”

There’s a few seconds of silence as Seulgi considers this, chewing slowly on her food. “’Might?’” She clarifies.

“I don’t know. I feel like… I might have liked her in that few seconds.” Seungwan takes a sip of her coffee, letting the silence stretch out.

“Hm.”

The short response catches Seungwan off guard, and she looks at her friend, but Seulgi’s attention is already back on her plate, scraping together the remnants of her crab.

“You already know what I’m going to say.” Seulgi shrugs. “And you’re probably not going to take my advice,” She continues, almost a little too nonchalantly, and Seungwan frowns.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you’re just a little reckless.”

Seungwan opens her mouth to object, but Seulgi holds up her fork, pointing it at her best friend. “Not that it’s always a bad thing.” With that, she leans over and steals a piece of Seungwan’s pancakes, grinning as she chews.

“’Reckless’ is never a good thing,” Seungwan objects, and Seulgi shrugs.

“I trust you.” She says simply, and Seungwan huffs out a laugh, caught between bemusement and amusement.

“I don’t even trust myself all that much.”

“I trust you to not hurt yourself.” She corrects. “And if she hurts you, I’ll…” Seulgi trails off uncertainly, her gaze darting to the ceiling as she considers this. Seungwan laughs.

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly, much less Joohyun.”

“You underestimate my abilities!” Seulgi protests, but Seungwan has the same amused smile on her face, and Seulgi sighs. “You get the point.”

“I do, and I appreciate it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a not-so-filler but also kind of filler chapter 😅 updates from here on out are going to be a lot slower, just because these 3 chapters actually took me around slightly less than 1-2 months to write & i only started posting when I was sure i was happy with where the plot was going.  
> do let me know what you think, i love reading all of your comments & a big thank you to everyone who has shown interest in this fic! 🥰


	4. Chapter 4

There’s a difference between physical and emotional attraction. Seungwan knows this. In fact, she probably knows this better than anyone else, and yet theory never seems to quite apply entirely in practice.

Not when it comes to Joohyun, anyway.

Seungwan has never exactly been lucky in love, or relationships. Sure, there has been a couple of flings and casual relationships just to take the edge off from the stress of university and have a little fun, but those didn’t count. In reality, the number of serious relationships she’s had are easily countable on a hand, and those hadn’t lasted all that long either. So no, Seungwan’s not at all accustomed to emotional attraction. It’s a little odd, because she’s has almost forgotten the feeling until a few nights ago, and she’s not exactly sure if it’s a welcome one. Especially when said feelings are straddling an increasingly blurred line. Grumbling, she scrolls to the next page of the document on her laptop, scanning through the mass of words on her reading assignment. It’s been two hours since she’d started, and if she’s being honest, none of the words are making a whole lot of sense. Rubbing her eyes and leaning back against her chair, she takes another sip of her instant coffee. It’s a far cry from the premium quality coffee she used to have at home before she’d moved out, and piled with the stress of school, Seungwan quickly comes to the conclusion that university sucks. A lot, actually. Money has never been an issue thanks to her parents, and Seungwan knows she should be beyond grateful, but sitting in her chair at three in the morning, alone in the dark, poring through chapters upon chapters of scientific research with an 8 a.m. morning class in a few hours while being terribly sleep deprived makes being optimistic a tall order. The only source of light in the room is her computer screen, music playing softly in the background to fill the unusual silence. Seulgi has gone to spend the night at Sooyoung and Yerim’s place for a movie marathon, leaving Seungwan alone in their room that now seems just a little too big and empty for her. Then, there’s a soft ping from her phone, and Seungwan picks it up. It’s from Joohyun.

_Can’t sleep..._

Seungwan snorts.

_can’t sleep either, but I’m guessing mine’s for a different reason_

She attaches a picture of her computer screen with the message, and almost immediately Joohyun’s typing.

_Oh dear. That reminds me, I have yet to read up on my cases._

Seungwan sends a quick text before returning her attention to her laptop.

_wanna come over? seul’s staying over at sooyoung & yerim’s_

Her attention span is short-lived, because the moment her phone pings, she’s picking it up again.

_I thought you were busy studying._

Seungwan lets out a huff.

_i meant come over to study, dumbass_

Joohyun replies with an eyeroll emoji but agrees anyway, leaving Seungwan to wait. She’s about halfway through the next page when there’s knocking on the door, and Seungwan pushes herself off her chair, wincing a little at the stiffness in her neck as she trudges to the door. It opens to reveal Joohyun in her usual sweater and sweatpants combination, her hair left untied and sweeping across one shoulder. Seungwan swallows the lump in her throat and smiles.

“Hey.”

Joohyun gives a soft smile before slipping inside, reaching for the light switch. Abruptly, the small room is flooded in brightness, and Seungwan squints against the sudden glare, making a dissatisfied sound.

“You really should stop studying in the dark.”

“Felt like the darkness suited studying at three in the morning better than the light.” Seungwan grumbles.

“You’re so dramatic,” Joohyun rolls her eyes, and Seungwan huffs.

“And I was just about to offer you some tea, but I guess not.”

“I’ll help myself, don’t worry.” Joohyun says breezily, waving a hand vaguely.

Seungwan gapes. “This is _my_ room, Bae Joohyun.”

“False. This is yours and Seulgi’s room, and Seulgi gave me express permission to use her secret tea stash.” Joohyun grins, placing her laptop on Seungwan’s bed before making a beeline for the kitchenette with Seungwan trailing behind her, holding her own mug of coffee.

“Did she now?”

“Mhm. I have our texts to prove it if you want to see it that badly.”

“No, thank you. I have better things to do than snoop through your texts.” Seungwan busies herself with making her second cup of coffee for the night, ripping open the packet of instant coffee and dumping its contents into her mug. Beside her, Joohyun has pulled out an unfamiliar container stuffed with various different types of teabags. Picking one out, Joohyun drops it into one of Seungwan’s spare mugs.

“I can’t believe Seulgi hid her stash from me, I’ve never even seen that container.” Seungwan huffs, somewhat petulantly, and Joohyun laughs.

“She probably knew you were going to use them.” She points out, and Seungwan just grumbles, reaching for the kettle and pouring the still-warm water for the both of them.

“And you’re using my mug!” She complains. Joohyun glances at the said light blue mug printed with a cartoon squirrel pattern.

“Well, I thought it was pretty cute.” She shrugs, and Seungwan blinks at the unexpected response. Joohyun’s gaze flickers to her confused expression.

“Don’t worry, you’re cuter.” She adds with the faintest of smiles, and Seungwan stares at her as she slips past Seungwan with her cup of tea. Joohyun settles herself on Seungwan’s bed, and Seungwan’s stomach does a little flip at how strangely comfortable and at home Joohyun seems on her bed. She trails after Joohyun, setting her mug back down on its coaster and plopping back into her chair, groaning.

“How many pages do you have left?” Joohyun asks, sipping on her tea as she boots up her laptop, stretching out on Seungwan’s bed and tucking her feet into the quilt.

“Too many.” The reply is muffled, because Seungwan has tucked her face into her arm, with her arms resting on the edge of her desk, slouched in defeat. Joohyun shakes her head, smiling before turning her attention back to her work. Seungwan’s music eventually fills the silence between them, occasionally punctuated with Seungwan’s sighs. Studying together in the dead of the night isn’t exactly a common occurrence for the both of them, given that Joohyun usually prefers to study alone, and Seungwan’s studying hours rarely extend beyond two in the morning whilst Joohyun’s easily surpass four. Two hours pass in relative silence, save for the one time Seungwan’s phone pings with a message from Seulgi informing her that she would be back for lunch later in the day. By five o’clock, Seungwan’s second cup of coffee is long gone and so is Joohyun’s tea. There’s a loud sigh, quickly followed by an obnoxiously loud yawn as Seungwan pushes herself off her chair, stretching, an indication that she’d finished her work. Joohyun startles a little at the sound. Seungwan just shoots her a sheepish smile before collecting both their mugs, heading for the sink.

“You want a refill?” She asks, and Joohyun declines, so Seungwan rinses both their mugs.

“I’m assuming you’re heading to sleep now?” Joohyun raises an eyebrow, and Seungwan nods.

“Are you leaving?” The sound of running water in the small room almost drowns out her question, but Joohyun hears it nonetheless, because the soft clicking of her keyboard stops momentarily.

“Do you want me to?” The law student returns Seungwan’s question with a question of her own, smiling ever so slightly, and Seungwan stares at her, chewing her bottom lip thoughtfully as she places the mugs in their respective places on the tiny counter.

“Not really?”

“So, you do kind of want me to leave, no?”

Seungwan huffs in amusement. “You just want me to say it, don’t you?”

“Say what?” Joohyun’s tone is innocent, but the twinkle in her eyes suggest otherwise, and Seungwan’s heading towards Joohyun, pulling her laptop off her lap and onto the bed before swinging a leg across, effectively straddling the older woman. Joohyun’s looking at her with interest and amusement, and Seungwan cups her cheeks, bending down to kiss her. She tastes of the green tea that Seungwan knows Seulgi loves, and the strawberry chapstick that Joohyun uses all the time. She’s reminded of the first time they’d kissed in Joohyun’s apartment, just a little beyond the point of sobriety, fueled by lust. The feeling of Joohyun’s warm lips sliding against hers, the teasing little nips Joohyun always leaves along her bottom lip and neck that has the quietest of moans spilling from Seungwan’s lips. The same rush of excitement she’s felt so many times before runs through her body, tinged with the faintest of heartache, and Seungwan pushes down the sour feeling in her chest as Joohyun kisses her back. They pull away eventually when Joohyun breaks the kiss. Her lips are a little swollen, her breathing a little unsteady, and there’s an odd surge of smug pride in Seungwan’s chest.

“As much as I would love to fuck you, you need to sleep.” Joohyun chuckles, and Seungwan laughs.

“Damn. I thought that was good enough.”

“Almost.” Joohyun’s eyes are twinkling with mirth. “C’mon, go brush your teeth and sleep, you don’t have a lot of time left.” She pats Seungwan’s thigh, and the younger woman slips off obediently, heading for the bathroom. She comes back to an oddly neat bed, with Joohyun’s laptop closed shut and placed safely on Seungwan’s desk. Joohyun slips past her and into the bathroom, merely informing her that she’d be using her toothpaste before the door closes shut. Shaking her head, Seungwan flicks the light switch off, and once again the room is plunged into darkness. Lifting the quilt and settling into bed, Seungwan’s eyes quickly close shut, washed over with exhaustion. She’s about to fall asleep when the bathroom door opens, and a few seconds later Joohyun’s warm body is wrapped around hers, the older woman’s chest against her back, loosely holding Seungwan close. It’s strange how familiar this is, and amidst her haze of sleepiness, Seungwan’s vaguely aware of the pinch of longing and odd serenity that Joohyun’s touch brings.

Seungwan tastes like wine. Or mint. Or soju, of lust and excitement. Tonight, she tastes like cheap coffee, of three a.m burnouts and stress, but Joohyun is more than happy to relieve the weight off Seungwan’s shoulders. Joohyun hates the bitter taste of coffee, but on the tip of Seungwan’s tongue, it’s bearable. Seungwan feels soft and warm, like sunshine. It’s easy to get caught up in her carefree ease, and Joohyun knows this all too well, because she’s staring at it right in the face every time they kiss, when Seungwan’s hands grasp her waist to pull her close. She also knows that beneath this carefree exterior, lies a quiet, thoughtful, worn soul that few are privy to. It bares itself now, at five in the morning, in the form of Seungwan’s arms tugging her closer in the dark. Her fingers seek Joohyun’s, interlacing them with easy familiarity. It’s strange how oddly intimate they are, and yet Joohyun knows this means nothing—merely the fact that Seungwan needs comfort, and Joohyun happens to be in the right place at the right time. For the brief second, Joohyun finds herself being reminded of a similar scene two years before, of another woman that she’d held close with almost the same tenderness. She swallows the lump in her throat, pushing down the growing sourness in her chest, the age-old, dull ache of pain. They stay like this for a while, and Seungwan’s breaths eventually slow and even out.

It feels like it’s been barely minutes when Seungwan becomes aware of an insistent tapping on her shoulder. She swats it away half-heartedly, but it returns almost immediately, this time accompanied by a soft voice.

“Seungwan, you have class.”

Groaning, Seungwan blinks awake to find Joohyun standing over her. Swearing under her breath, she kicks her quilt off, slipping out of bed and heading for the bathroom. She makes it a point to drag her feet, and there’s an amused huff from Joohyun somewhere behind her. ‘Tired’ would be an understatement. Seungwan’s barely awake as she goes through the motions of washing up; her arms feel too heavy and her head too light, and the glare of the bathroom light is just a little too bright. If she’s being honest, she’s not up for an hour-long lecture this early in the morning, and she’s almost tempted to head right back to sleep were it not for Joohyun waiting for her. It’s far from the first time Seungwan’s sacrificed sleep for her studies, but the feeling of physical and mental exhaustion never really gets any easier despite it being more or less of a regular routine every week. She trudges out of the bathroom in a fresh set of jeans and an oversized shirt, stuffing her laptop into her bag and slinging it over one shoulder with a sigh.

“Do you have some time left?” Joohyun asks as they exit the room. Seungwan glances at her phone.

“Fifteen minutes or so. Why?”

“Let’s get you a cup of coffee.”

Joohyun is sticking out like a sore thumb with her sweatpants and sweater on campus, but the older woman doesn’t seem to care much, pointedly ignoring the double takes from other students. It’s rare that Joohyun ventures out in her casual clothes—when she does, it’s in the middle of the night for a trip to the convenience store. Admittedly, it’s a little uncomfortable knowing that people are staring, but she’s barely had any sleep and it’s too early in the morning to be awake. There were more important things at hand, like getting Seungwan her morning coffee.

“People are staring,” Seungwan points out when she moves away from the cashier to wait for their drinks, and Joohyun just shrugs.

“They always do.” She says simply, if not a little tiredly. She glances up when the barista calls out her name. “Your drink’s ready.” She nods towards the counter, where what looks like a freshly brewed iced vanilla latte waits, and Seungwan picks it up, grinning. After drinking nothing but cheap coffee for the past few days, a fresh cup of roasted coffee feels like heaven.

“Vanilla latte? You spoil me, Bae Joohyun.” She nudges Joohyun with an elbow, and the older woman huffs.

“You’re just lucky there’s a café nearby.”

“Whatever floats your boat.” Seungwan snorts, earning herself an eyeroll from Joohyun.

Seungwan arrives at the lecture hall just on time and makes a beeline for Sooyoung, who has tucked her face partially into her hoodie, leaning back into the chair and dozing lightly as their professor sets up his computer. Seungwan settles herself into the seat next to Sooyoung, who cracks open an eye at the noise.

“Morning,” She mumbles, and Seungwan returns the greeting before silently offering her coffee. Sooyoung takes a long sip, sighing. “This week is going to be terrible.”

“It is.” Seungwan agrees.

*

As it turns out, Sooyoung was right. It has been a terrible week, because this is the fourth day in a row that Seungwan hasn’t slept well thanks to upcoming project deadlines, and frankly, she’s quite ready to throw in the towel. The only thing that keeps her going are the surprise coffee treats from Joohyun late at night when she knows Seungwan is up studying. Seungwan doesn’t really know where she’s getting coffee from this late at night, but the effort is very much appreciated, especially more so when said cups of coffee are made from high quality ground coffee. It’s also a little frustrating how her own brain seems to be betraying her, because each time Joohyun knocks on her door, coffee in hand, the scene is a painfully familiar image that she’s conjured in her mind many times over the past few weeks, and she knows it means absolutely nothing, despite what it may seem. The fact that Seungwan spends the night studying at Joohyun’s on some days decidedly do not help, especially when the older woman has a penchant for teasing her. It comes in the form of fleeting touches disguised as innocent brushing of fingers, and when Joohyun feels bolder, the lightest of a kiss against Seungwan’s cheek when she leans over to peek at Seungwan’s work. They both know it drives Seungwan up the wall, and yet with multiple deadlines approaching, she can’t scratch that itch just yet. It’s Thursday night, and Seungwan sighs, slouching against Joohyun’s chair, swiveling to face the older woman. Joohyun looks up from her laptop, and she raises an eyebrow when their eyes meet.

“I’m tired,” Seungwan complains loudly, and Joohyun just chuckles from where she’s sitting, back propped against the wall as she sits cross-legged on her bed.

“You should get some sleep. It’s been a rough week.” Joohyun says, but Seungwan just whines again.

“This is due in the morning.”

There’s a soft but sharp intake of breath as Joohyun sucks air between her teeth at Seungwan’s words.

“More coffee?” She offers, and Seungwan nods, albeit a little resigned. This is already her third cup of coffee for the day, and judging by how Joohyun has set her laptop aside and is hauling herself off the bed and making her way over to Seungwan, she’s quickly about to have her fourth. The younger woman’s laptop is propped on Joohyun’s table, with her borrowed mug sitting nearby, and Joohyun wordlessly reaches over, taking the mug and bringing it over to the kitchen counter, where a coffee machine sits. Standing up and stretching, Seungwan winces at the ache in her back before she follows Joohyun, watching her bustle around her tiny kitchenette.

“I still don’t understand why you have a coffee machine.”

Joohyun doesn’t answer immediately, preoccupied with wrestling open a container that holds multiple coffee capsules. After a few minutes of struggling, she finally gets it open, and holds it out towards Seungwan, who stands quietly beside her.

“It was a gift.” Joohyun replies as Seungwan picks a caramel latte capsule, handing it over to Joohyun, who pops it into the coffee machine and shifts Seungwan’s mug into place. Seungwan moves a little closer, and Joohyun has definitely noticed, because her gaze flickers to Seungwan for a split second before she turns her attention back to the coffee machine, and Joohyun has always been observant anyway. She doesn’t seem to mind at all, and instead turns around to face Seungwan, a faint smile on her lips.

“From whom?” Seungwan hears herself ask, but with Joohyun looking at her like that, it feels like her heart might just stop.

The machine whirrs loudly, dispensing espresso into the mug, but neither of them are paying much attention. Joohyun’s watching her with reserved curiosity, almost as if she were daring Seungwan to take the leap. Seungwan’s breaths are unsteady, nervousness thrumming in her veins. It’s almost like a game of chess, except Seungwan feels like she’s on the losing end; each calculated move puts them closer, and yet it feels like Seungwan can never quite outsmart Joohyun—helplessly tugged along by the older woman’s playful but reserved personality, the occasional glimpses of vulnerability. Even now, she’s not quite sure what to make of this situation. She leans in tentatively, and before she can make sense of it all, Joohyun’s kissing her, cupping her cheek gently. There’s the briefest moment of tenderness that Seungwan thinks she might have imagined it, before there’s the achingly familiar, teasing nip to Seungwan’s bottom lip before Joohyun’s pulling away, leaving Seungwan stranded somewhere between breathless and resigned. Both of them fall silent momentarily as Joohyun hands Seungwan her mug, now warm with espresso.

“Clearly someone who didn’t know me well enough,” She finally replies with a smile, and Seungwan chuckles, but the sound is hollow.

Seungwan doesn’t quite know what to think of Friday nights now, because what had once been frivolous foolishness fueled by lust and playful tension now never fails to bring a tinge of bitterness. The most logical thing to do would be to end the whole arrangement, but Seungwan’s never been good with logic when it comes to matters of the heart. Maybe she’s a little selfish for being unwilling to let go of this easy sense of intimacy, or scared of the what-ifs and consequences of confessing, and it’s just easier to hide behind the comfort of being friend with benefits, even though Seungwan knows full well the intimacy is a forged one. It becomes even more apparent now, when she’s curled up in bed in Joohyun’s arms. Burying her face a little deeper into the crook of Joohyun’s neck, Seungwan breathes in the all too familiar scent of the citrus soap Joohyun always uses. This time, she lets herself drown in the feeling of her heart thumping in her chest, the ache of longing, and the pleasant misery of it all.

Thursday night had been a mistake, and then Friday night had been an even bigger mistake. On hindsight, she should have called off their arrangement on Friday, because Joohyun doesn’t quite understand why she’s still wide awake at four in the morning, her brain racing as Seungwan holds her close, breaths slow and even, fast asleep, looking as beautiful as ever with her hair fanned out across Joohyun’s pillow. This doesn’t happen. In fact, it’s not supposed to happen, because the fact is that she sleeps better when Seungwan is around. Another fact is that Joohyun never did intend to kiss Seungwan on Thursday night. It had been obvious that Seungwan wanted her—the multiple times she’s caught Seungwan’s gaze flickering to her during their study sessions over the course of the week, and the way the younger woman had slowly inched herself closer at the kitchenette counter was more or less a dead giveaway; Seungwan’s never really mastered the art of subtlety, anyway. Not that Joohyun minds—far from it, actually, it’s a rather endearing trait of Seungwan’s—and perhaps this is exactly one of the reasons why Joohyun had decided to close the gap between them and kissed her on Thursday. Truthfully, it had been on a whim. Before Joohyun can process and rationalize the thought, she finds herself kissing Seungwan for reasons she can’t quite explain, other than the need to be closer, to touch her. Which had been extremely out of character on Joohyun’s end, because she’s supposed to be logical. Rational. She always has been, even with Seungwan, and yet Joohyun can’t help but feel like control is slowly slipping from her grasp each time Seungwan kisses her, and so Joohyun does the only thing she knows how—slipping back into old habits and comfort zones. It’s familiar and easy, keeping her safe and in control. She nips Seungwan’s bottom lip playfully before pulling away, and just like that, they fall back into the comfortable dynamic Joohyun knows. Of course, she should have known it doesn’t last long. Nothing ever does, anyway, and Joohyun’s learnt it the hard way. The hauntingly familiar feeling of gentleness, of the need to protect, of vulnerability, tinged with what Joohyun hates to admit—longing—is back. She remembers it as clear as day, because the last time she’d felt like this was a little more than two years ago, and Joohyun knows what comes after. Anger, hurt, and pain. The knowledge of being not quite enough, the feeling of betrayal by someone she’d entrusted her deepest secrets and fears with that still leaves a bitter taste on her tongue even till today, because Joohyun knows time doesn’t heal wounds.

It only dulls them, and she’s merely gotten used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl, i like the writing on this chapter the best (for now), and we've finally hit the part that focuses a little more on joohyun! i've also made a neat little playlist for this fic & wanted to share it with u guys. it's on both apple music & spotify, because i'm an apple music user but ik there's a ton of ppl who use spotify 😂 they're the same, and i'll be updating them as the plot progresses to prevent any spoilers. i compiled it around december last year, and recently got around to finalising the songs i wanted to have in there, but do feel free to suggest more songs! i usually use this playlist when i'm writing, and my personal recommendations for this chapter would be boy in space's 7up, especially when one views it from Seungwan's perspective. also, the fic title actually comes from a part of the lyrics from Fletcher's 'Over My Head'!
> 
> if you've actually read this far, thank you for bearing with this extraordinarily long note, & an even bigger thank you to everyone who has been reading this fic. i always say thank you, but i feel like the words 'thank you' doesn't quite come close to the gratitude i feel for everyone who has shown so much love to this fic ❤️
> 
> apple music: https://music.apple.com/sg/playlist/wenrene-hold-me-like-im-yours-tonight/pl.u-Ymb00vPuPjGZ05q
> 
> spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6REPOyToNM2ZqFuzJFewna


	5. Chapter 5

Joohyun startles awake to the rude blaring of an alarm that isn’t her own. Grumbling, she fumbles around until her fingers close around the offending device, squinting through half-opened eyes and silencing the alarm. It’s a funny routine of sorts, how she’s accustomed to turning Seungwan’s alarm off for her and rousing her awake. It’s strikes her as oddly domestic, and Joohyun pushes the thought down before she can dwell on it. Seungwan stretches with a yawn before slipping out of bed, fumbling for her clothes strewn on the floor, still very much half-asleep as Joohyun picks out a new set of clothes for herself.

“You have ten minutes,” Joohyun reminds her, already dressed and ready as Seungwan flops back onto the bed, now clothed and lying spreadeagled. There’s a muffled noise of complaint before Seungwan’s pushing herself off the bed again, forcing herself to rummage through her bag. She pulls out a toothbrush travel case and her toothpaste, trudging to Joohyun’s bathroom. There’s the sound of the tap turning on and the splash of water as Seungwan washes up, and Joohyun pokes her head into the bathroom.

“Coffee?” She offers, and Seungwan hums in agreement. With that, Joohyun starts the coffee machine, popping in a capsule and placing the nearest tumbler she can find in place. Within the next five minutes, Seungwan is up and ready to go, albeit still a little groggy. Taking the tumbler from Joohyun’s hands, she trails after the older woman as they head for the parking lot.

Another part of their strange little routine includes Joohyun dropping Seungwan off at her designated campus building, which really, does little to tame the beast that is Seungwan’s imagination. It’s almost impossible to not overanalyze everything that happens with Joohyun, despite the fact that Seungwan knows full well that the domesticity between them is merely a façade and doesn’t extend beyond anything platonic. Well, maybe just a little beyond platonic, but it’s nothing close to the confession that always gets stuck in her throat. The short five minute drive always ends with a wave of goodbye and Seungwan making her way into the lecture theatre. Today, she’s carrying a pastel purple tumbler in her hand, warm with coffee as she makes her way to her usual seat beside Sooyoung. Beside her, Sooyoung’s eyeing her tumbler as Seungwan settles herself down.

“Isn’t that Joohyun’s?” She asks, pointing to the tumbler, and Seungwan glances at her.

“Mhm.”

“Why do you have that?”

“We were studying together last night, and I slept over.” Seungwan’s never been good at lying, but today, the lie slips through her teeth almost effortlessly, and Seungwan sours with guilt. Sooyoung merely lets out a soft ‘oh’ and nods, returning her attention back to the lecture, and Seungwan stares ahead, trying not to think about the tug of guilt in her chest.

*

Saturday nights at the nearby club more or less guarantees a crowd, so Seungwan can’t exactly complain when she finds herself squished against throngs of people in a space way too small for so many people, the onslaught of electronic music pounding in her ears as she lets herself be led by her friends to a table near the side of the club. She’s not really one for clubs, but it’s been a stressful few weeks for all of them, and the majority of them had voted to go to one. Within minutes, Sooyoung comes back with their promised shots of vodka, and within a few the next minute they’ve all knocked back their respective shots, and Seungwan grimaces as the bitter liquid burns her throat. She watches as Yerim and Sooyoung take two more rounds rowdily, clinking their glasses before downing its contents. Today, Seulgi’s their designated driver, and so it seems like Joohyun’s allowing herself to let loose, because she’s also taking another shot, and eventually even lets Sooyoung drag her away to the dance floor.

“She’s really letting go today, huh?” Seungwan raises an eyebrow, and Seulgi laughs.

“Are you not going to?” Her best friend smiles knowingly, already pushing another shot in front of Seungwan, who accepts it easily.

“Are you not going to join them?” Seungwan gestures to the trio on the dance floor, who, judging by Sooyoung’s flailing hands, are probably enjoying themselves.

“Not yet, I can’t leave you alone here.” Seulgi sips on her glass of beer, occasionally glancing over at the dance floor to check on the rest of their friends. “Not because I have to, by the way.” She adds, and Seungwan snorts. They’ve known each other for long enough for things like these to be understood and left unsaid, but it’s nice to have the confirmation anyway. Leaning on Seulgi’s shoulder, she watches as Joohyun gradually squeezes past the throngs of people, making a beeline back towards them. Her skin is shiny with a thin sheen of sweat and she’s a little breathless, but she’s smiling nonetheless, and for a second Seungwan has half the mind to kiss her before she remembers that they’re far from being alone.

“You look like you had fun,” Seungwan has to practically shout, and she doesn’t miss the way Joohyun’s eyes flicker to Seulgi before meeting Seungwan’s with a touch of surprise. Before she can respond, Seulgi’s already gently detangling herself from Seungwan upon the arrival of Joohyun. It prompts a petulant whine from Seungwan, and Seulgi laughs, petting the top of her head reassuringly.

“I’m going to go find Sooyoung and Yerim. I’ll be back soon!” With that, Seulgi disappears into the crowd.

“Why did you scare her away? I was just getting comfy.” Seungwan complains, and Joohyun rolls her eyes as she takes Seulgi’s seat, reaching for another shot. She downs it, sighing, and Seungwan takes the opportunity to rest her cheek on Joohyun’s shoulder. She’s bordering on tipsy now, and having Joohyun next to her is a welcome reprieve from her otherwise somewhat unwelcome surroundings.

“I didn’t even say anything,” Joohyun points out, but Seungwan just grumbles incoherently. “Are you drunk?” Amusement tinges Joohyun’s voice, and Seungwan sniffs.

“Not enough.”

The older woman just huffs out a laugh, handing Seungwan another shot while taking one for herself. They clink glasses and within seconds, both glasses are empty.

“You’re going to regret this tomorrow morning.” Joohyun says, and Seungwan huffs.

“Trust me, I want to.” She glances up to find Joohyun’s gazing down at her, their faces barely inches apart. Seungwan swallows, and their eyes meet for a fraction of a second before Seungwan’s gaze flickers to Joohyun’s lips, before going back to her eyes. She’s well aware that they’re in a public place and their friends are a mere couple of metres away, but somehow, Seungwan can’t quite find it in herself to care much—not when Joohyun is so incredibly intoxicating.

“Seungwan, people are watching.” Joohyun reminds her gently, but she merely gives a noncommittal hum of acknowledgement.

“You’re really going to regret this,” Joohyun voice is soft now, almost barely audible amidst the thumping of the electronic music. Her gaze is gentle, tinged with what seems like sadness.

“I don’t mind.” Seungwan replies, almost a little too easily, and it’s laughable at how readily she gives too much of herself away in such a short span of time.

She’s not really sure who leans in, but they’re kissing, and Joohyun’s hand cups her cheek gently, keeping her close.

The rest of the night is a blur— Seungwan remembers stumbling out of the club and into the fresh night air while holding on to Sooyoung, her steps wobbly as she sways a little.

“I guess you weren’t kidding when you said you wanted to get drunk,” Sooyoung comments, and Seungwan frowns at her. It probably isn’t very threatening, because Sooyoung’s pinching her cheek and cooing at her before guiding Seungwan to her own car. It’s a recent model from Mercedes, generously gifted to her by her parents when she’d moved out of home and into the dormitories with Seulgi. It’s no secret that Seungwan’s relatively well-off, but she’s never liked showing it off. It’s also why she doesn’t use her car as often as she probably should, earning her repeated jokes from Joohyun to gift the older woman her car. They all pile into the spacious interior, with Seulgi in the driver’s seat. It takes them a while to buckle down safely, and as Seulgi maneuvers them out of the parking lot, despite her tipsy haze, Seungwan is well aware of Joohyun’s breath puffing against her neck as the older woman leans against her shoulder, head drooping as she dozes lightly. Joohyun doesn’t move for the duration of the car ride, only squinting awake when they arrive at her dormitory building. Sooyoung, Yerim and Joohyun all pile out of the car, with the younger two helping a significantly tipsier Joohyun.

“We’ll be back in five!” Yerim calls out, and Seulgi gives them a thumbs up in acknowledgement, idling the engine. There’s barely two seconds of silence before she speaks.

“So… what happened back there?” She’s watching Seungwan through the rear-view mirror, and Seungwan meets her gaze through the mirror.

“We kissed.” She turns away, fixing her attention on the doors of the building outside.

“Seungwan.” Worry is clear in Seulgi’s tone, and Seungwan shifts uncomfortably.

“I know.”

“You promised you wouldn’t get hurt.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think you’re doing okay.”

“I’ll be fine,” Seungwan pauses. “I think.” From the corner of her eye, she spots Seulgi opening her mouth to respond, but the sound of the building doors sliding open and chatter from Sooyoung and Yerim stops her in whatever she had been intending to say, and her best friend merely furrows her eyebrows at her.

“We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

Seungwan swallows. “Yeah.”

“Seungwan, I’m worried for you.” It’s been barely a few minutes since the door to their room has closed shut, and frankly, Seungwan’s not really in the mood to talk about Joohyun. Or more specifically, the fact that she’s fucked herself over and completely being okay with it.

“Seul, please. Not now.” She sighs tiredly, flopping onto her bed. The quiet and comfort of their room is a welcome change from the deafening music and the stench of sweat.

“You’re never going to want to talk about this.” Seulgi points out, and Seungwan groans in frustration. It’s a shame that Seulgi knows her all too well and knows exactly when to press her when she should. “Are you two together?”

“No.”

“Then what was that at the club?”

Seungwan grimaces. “Just… trust me, okay? I know what I’m doing.”

She doesn’t, and Seungwan knows that Seulgi knows this too.

“I don’t think you do.” Seulgi says softly. Seungwan sighs.

“You’re right, I don’t.” She admits, albeit a little reluctantly.

“Are you okay with that?”

There’s a stretch of silence. “Yes.” The admission is a quiet one, and it sounds ridiculous, even to Seungwan. She almost expects Seulgi to give her a long – and somewhat unwanted—lecture about her exceedingly poor decisions and masochistic habits, but she merely lets out a soft sigh, defeated.

“Okay.”

When Joohyun awakens, it’s to an absurdly loud knocking on her door, and a dull headache. Groaning, she throws the covers aside, rubbing an eye as she shuffles to the door. Sunlight is already streaming in from the window, casting a warm glow onto an otherwise cold floor. She shivers a little and opens the door a crack, only to spot Sooyoung and Yerim standing in front of her, looking a lot less hungover than Joohyun feels.

“What are you doing here?” She mumbles, but Sooyoung and Yerim merely invite themselves in, opening the door just wide enough for the both of them to squeeze through.

“We came here to take care of you,” Sooyoung replies, and Joohyun snorts.

“I’m sure you did.”

As if to prove their point, Yerim holds out a pack of takeaway with what smells like bean sprout soup, and Joohyun takes it gratefully, placing it on the foldable table.

“Don’t mess up my stuff, I’m going to go wash up.” She waves a hand around vaguely before trudging to the bathroom, just a little too tired and hungover to question the odd generosity of the younger two. When she returns from the bathroom feeling slightly more refreshed, Sooyoung and Yerim have already unpacked the bean sprout soup, complete with rice set out for Joohyun.

“Why are you two being so nice? You’re scaring me.” She grabs two bowls from the counter, placing them on the table for the younger women, gesturing for them to take some too, and they oblige. They’ve fallen oddly quiet now, and Joohyun doesn’t miss the look the passes between them.

“You know, you could actually ask me instead of looking at each other like that.”

She’s met with an uncertain look from Sooyoung, and a somewhat accusatory glare from Yerim.

“Fine. Are you and Seungwan dating?” Yerim asks almost immediately, and Joohyun blinks.

“No…?”

“We saw you two kissing yesterday, though.” Sooyoung furrows her eyebrows.

“It’s… complicated.”

“Please do elaborate.”

“We may have had sex a couple of times. Or more.” Joohyun mumbles, deliberately avoiding their gaze. Her words are met with stunned silence, and only then Joohyun dares to glance up. Sooyoung looks surprised, and Yerim is caught somewhere between disbelief and shock.

“So, you’re fuck buddies?” Sooyoung confirms, and Joohyun grimaces.

“I prefer the term ‘friends with benefits’.”

“Okay,” Yerim stretches out the ‘a’, giving her a skeptical look. “That doesn’t explain why you kissed her yesterday.”

Damn it.

Her words are met with brief silence, and Joohyun lifts her shoulders in a small shrug. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Sooyoung echoes, confused. “Do you like her?”

Joohyun considers this, poking her chopsticks absently at her rice.

“I think so.” She finally admits. She pauses. “Maybe.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s probably temporary.” Joohyun shrugs, but only receives a pair of skeptical looks from her two friends. “I’m probably confusing physical intimacy with actually having feelings for her.” She elaborates, but Sooyoung and Yerim still look doubtful. She sighs, shaking her head. “Did you two come here to ask me this?”

The only answer she gets is a sheepish smile from Sooyoung.

Seungwan can’t help but feel like the lines are getting increasingly blurred, because she doesn’t quite know how much is too much anymore, especially when it’s just the two of them in the middle of the night in Joohyun’s room, with Joohyun’s arms wrapped tightly around her waist. She’s just gotten dressed after showering, about to make her way back to her own room when Joohyun slips her arms around her waist, effectively stopping Seungwan in her tracks as she pulls her close. They stand in silence for a while as Joohyun’s chin rests against her shoulder, and Seungwan waits patiently as Joohyun chooses her words carefully.

“Can you stay?” It’s quiet and tentative. Shy, almost.

It’s a little strange, because this is far from the first time Joohyun has asked her to stay, and yet it feels a little different. It’s never been phrased as an actual question that requires an answer, because it’s always either ‘Stay with me, please.’ or a simple, quiet ‘Stay.’ uttered just after sex, when they’re both still basking in the afterglow. Presented with a clear alternative with no real incentive to stay further, Seungwan’s suddenly not quite sure where they stand anymore.

“Why?” It’s a pointless question, because Seungwan already knows her answer. She feels Joohyun’s grip slacken a little at the response and pulls Joohyun’s arms tighter around herself, a silent reassurance.

Joohyun doesn’t reply immediately. “I don’t like it when you’re not around. It gets too… quiet.”

“I thought you liked quiet.” Seungwan smiles, and Joohyun frowns a little.

“It’s a different kind.”

Seungwan snorts. “You could just say ‘lonely’, you know?”

“You’re an asshole.” Joohyun huffs.

“Remind me again who’s the one asking me to stay?”

Seungwan momentarily freezes when she feels a hand slip into hers, intertwining their fingers together with easy familiarity. Joohyun’s hands are warm and soft.

“Stay with me, please?” Her voice is barely audible, and she looks away when their eyes meet.

Logically, there should be nothing keeping her here. They’re both satisfied, it’s late, and Seungwan has a laundry list of work waiting to be completed.

Except Seungwan has never been good with logic, especially when it comes to Joohyun.

“Of course.”

*

Maybe the term ‘friends with benefits’ had been a poor description of Joohyun and Seungwan’s relationship, because Joohyun doesn’t know why on earth she’d ever asked Seungwan to stay over this blatantly, and the fact that Seungwan had agreed so readily was an even bigger surprise. Of course, she can chalk it up to it merely being a part of Seungwan’s personality, but there’s something about the way the younger woman had answered, her voice gentle but sure, that has Joohyun thinking twice about their whole situation. Not that she regrets it, even though her unexpected feelings for Seungwan seems to be complicating matters more than she’d initially intended. It’s not like she expects them to linger, anyway. It’s nothing new—the fleeting flutters that she knows all too well come and go with the people she’s slept with, and Seungwan is merely one of them. The sound of constant shifting beside her is a telltale sign that Seungwan is still awake, despite the younger woman’s best efforts to pretend otherwise.

“You can stop pretending to sleep,” Joohyun says, and Seungwan groans, turning to lie on her stomach.

“Sorry,” She mumbles, but Joohyun waves the apology away, and they lapse into comfortable silence once again. ‘Quiet’ is not a word people would usually associate with Seungwan, but Joohyun knows better. In fragile moments like these, Joohyun plays witness to a side to her that others rarely see, and Joohyun briefly wonders how long more she gets the opportunity to be allowed this until the younger woman tires of her and their complications.

“I wish we were infinite.” Joohyun blurts out amidst the silence, and Seungwan’s regarding her carefully, cheek resting against her crossed arms on the bed. They’re lying down. Not touching, but barely five inches apart. It’s quiet and dark, and Joohyun can barely make out Seungwan’s face.

“We could be.” Seungwan says, as if it was the most logical thing ever. Which is stupid, because Joohyun knows nothing lasts forever.

“Do you really believe that?” No sarcasm, just genuine curiosity.

Seungwan chuckles a little.

“Not really. But it’s nice to have something to believe in.”

“Must be nice.”

“Hm.” The answer is noncommittal.

At the end of the day, Seungwan is an enigma.

“You’re so hard to figure out sometimes.” Joohyun huffs, to which Seungwan laughs.

“Now that’s a first.”

“Why, has no one told you that before?”

“Quite the contrary.” Seungwan pauses. “But you see me, don’t you? Like, _really_ see.” Seungwan’s gaze lifts, and their eyes lock. Joohyun’s breath almost hitches in her throat, but she’s not going to back down now.

“Are you going to let me?” She answers with a question of her own, but Seungwan just smiles softly.

“Haven’t I already?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this was a bit of a filler chapter, the next one will definitely be more interesting! happy (belated) lunar new year to those who celebrate it & happy valentines 🤪 apologies for the long wait, i had a bit of a block writing for this chapter & it ended up being not much 😅 as always, thank you for reading, and have a good week ahead! ❤️


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gets p nsfw towards the end!

It’s been more than a week, and yet Seungwan’s thoughts always stray back to the comment Joohyun made when she had stayed over for the night. It’s true that though friendly, Seungwan does keep her secrets to herself, which she supposes extends to a certain part of just how open she’s willing to be. It’s not often that many realize this though, and really, Seungwan shouldn’t be too surprised that Joohyun, ever so observant, has come to this realization in their two years of friendship. Yet, when the statement is laid out bare for Seungwan to respond to, it catches her off-guard, because it’s not something she ever expects anyone to voice out. As far as she’s aware, the only people who she’s truly opened up to are Seulgi, Joohyun, Sooyoung and Yerim, and even then, Seulgi and Joohyun are often the ones who see this more vulnerable side of her. Seulgi has always been a comforting presence. A calm and easy person to talk to, partly because they’ve known each other since their embarrassing teenage days, and because Seulgi always listens without judgment, no matter the situation. Joohyun, on the other hand, brings a sense of peace that Seungwan has never felt with anyone else. It isn’t exactly a new discovery—Seungwan’s had this epiphany several times over the course of their friendship, but with her newfound affection for Joohyun it’s been amplified, and truthfully, it does little to help with Seungwan’s one-sided affections, especially when said secrets and worries are spilled when they’re lying in Joohyun’s bed in the dead of the night, with nothing but the presence of each other and the soft chirping of the crickets outside.

“I’m just saying, you should just try going on dates, Seungwan.” Seulgi sighs, hunched over her tablet at her desk, hard at work. Their shared study playlist plays softly in the background from Seungwan’s portable speaker, filling the room with lo-fi music as Seungwan ponders upon this. She’s slumped over her desk, cheek resting against the cold white plastic, staring absently at her laptop screen. The cursor on her empty Word document blinks back at her expectantly. It’s been an hour, and she has absolutely no idea where to start with her assignment. It also doesn’t help that her phone is vibrating almost without rest with a flood of messages from Sooyoung, who seems to be bugging her about said assignment. Or she might be asking about Joohyun, since apparently, she’d messaged Seungwan about her and Joohyun a few days ago after finding out from the older woman herself. Either way, Seungwan isn’t too eager to reply to her messages right now, and she can already foresee Sooyoung badgering her to check her phone more often the next time they meet in the lecture theatre.

“Why? It’s not like I’m going to be emotionally available to other people. That’s not fair to them.”

“It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Just go out and have some fun, grab a drink or two.” Seulgi pauses. “It’s not like Joohyun’s going to be emotionally available all that soon, either.” She adds softly, and Seungwan deflates. She hates that Seulgi’s right.

“How am I going to get a date? I’m no Joohyun, I don’t have people asking me out every other day.”

“I think you’re just a little oblivious, Wan.”

“Oblivious how?”

Placing her stylus down, Seulgi swivels in her chair and turns to face Seungwan, who gives her a quizzical look.

“Are you aware you turned down someone who asked you out yesterday?”

Seungwan stills. “Yesterday?” She echoes, with a touch of bewilderment. She’s pretty sure she’d remember if someone had asked her out.

“Your groupmate for that one module asked if you wanted to have lunch after discussion?” Seulgi prompts, and Seungwan furrows her eyebrows.

“ _That_ was asking me out?”

“Yes?”

“That’s so vague. I thought he just wanted someone to have lunch with because he’d be eating alone.” Seungwan mumbles, cheeks heating up at the memory. Thank God she’d rejected him, even if it was by accident.

“Well, luckily you had lunch with me, huh? That would’ve been awkward.” Seulgi grins, and Seungwan flips her off, rolling her eyes.

“In all seriousness, I do think you should get out there and explore your options.” Seulgi says, and Seungwan snorts at her choice of words.

“What am I, at a fish market?”

“Why wait by the pond when there’s a whole sea of fish out there?” Seulgi counters easily, and Seungwan shakes her head in amusement.

“I really like her, Seul.”

“I know, but you’re just going to hurt yourself the longer this goes on.”

“Well, I’m okay with that.” Seungwan shrugs, and Seulgi sighs.

“You’re a masochist, you know that?”

“I’m very aware, thank you.”

Seulgi merely sighs in response before turning back to her work, and silence fills the space between them, albeit not for very long.

“Just try it out one time?” She tries again.

There’s a long stretch of silence and then a resigned sigh.

“Okay.”

*

Joohyun’s never been one to be needy or clingy, at least in the emotional sense. No, she prides herself on her independence and maturity— at least, that’s what she tells herself as she does a double take at Seungwan’s response to her text asking the younger woman to come over tomorrow.

_sorry, i can’t! going out with someone tomorrow_

The reply is accompanied by a sticker of a cat hiding behind a wall, and despite Seungwan’s attempts at affection, Joohyun’s frowning at her screen.

_What about the day after tomorrow?_

Seungwan is online immediately, and it takes her barely a second before a reply comes in.

_sure! why, do you really want me that much?? :P_

Joohyun types and deletes her message several times, biting on her lip as her thumb hovers over the ‘send’ button.

_I want to hear you begging me to fuck you harder again._

She hits send before she can think about it further, watching her screen closely and tapping her fingernails on the surface of her desk nervously. It’s funny how strangely anxious she is over a text like this, because the reality is that they’ve been a lot more intimate than this. Still, there’s a first for everything, and Joohyun isn’t quite sure what she might have just started. For all she knows, she’s probably opened a Pandora’s box of other problems. Seungwan spends the next minute typing and pausing, and then typing again. There’s an odd, fierce satisfaction that tugs at her when Seungwan finally replies with a single blushing emoji, followed by another text.

_i have to do work u can’t do this to me now :( no fair_

Just as Joohyun is about to reply, Seungwan sends a two-second video message of her pouting, and Joohyun chuckles under her breath, typing in a reply.

_All’s fair in love and war._

*

Seungwan would be lying if she said she isn’t looking forward to spending the next few hours melting under Joohyun’s touch. After the disaster of a date yesterday and Joohyun’s merciless teasing the day before, she’s more than ready to slip back into the comfort of a steady pattern of one-sided love and heartache, despite its pains. It takes barely a few knocks on the door before it opens to reveal Joohyun, who already has a hungry yet playful twinkle in her eyes, and Seungwan bites back a smile.

“So, how was your date?” Joohyun smiles as Seungwan closes the door behind her. She’s already wrapping her arms around her waist, pressing kisses along her neck, and Seungwan sighs contentedly, relaxing into Joohyun’s touch.

“Not great. He couldn’t really hold a conversation, but at least I snagged a free dinner and some drinks.” Seungwan grins, and Joohyun hums in acknowledgement.

“Free? You don’t strike me as someone who lets a man pay for your food.” She drops a kiss to Seungwan’s exposed shoulder, just above her cold shoulder top, and the younger woman’s grip around Joohyun’s waist tightens at the contact.

“I’m not. He insisted.” Seungwan can only hope her decision doesn’t come back to bite her in the ass.

“Hm. Was it worth it, then?” Joohyun’s murmurs, lips brushing against her skin as her fingers slip under Seungwan’s top, stroking the expanse of skin with feather-light, teasing touches.

“What was worth?” She might have imagined it, but Seungwan’s voice comes out a little shaky.

“Meeting him instead of me.”

“No, of course not.” Seungwan breathes, and a whimper slips past her lips. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” The confession hangs in the air, and Seungwan watches Joohyun with bated breath. There’s a hint of a self-satisfied smirk playing on her lips before she’s smiling, pulling Seungwan in for a slow kiss. It’s bordering on torturous, because all Seungwan wants is for Joohyun to ravage her, to give in, to have her senses flooded by the feeling of Joohyun pleasuring her.

Just as Seungwan expects, Joohyun grants it.

“Then show me how badly you want me.”

“Can you stay until tomorrow morning?” The question is mumbled, and Seungwan cranes her neck, only to spot Joohyun on the verge of falling asleep, eyelids already closed as she buries her nose into Seungwan’s hair.

Seungwan hums thoughtfully. “Sure, but I’m pretty tired though.”

Joohyun slips her fingers between Seungwan’s, interlacing their hands together. “We don’t have to do anything.” She murmurs, and Seungwan stills as she digests this fact, and there’s a few seconds of quiet consideration.

“Okay.”

Joohyun sleeps well for the first time in a while. She always does when Seungwan is around, for an unexplainable reason. Not that she’s going to tell Seungwan that though— the last thing she wants is the younger woman teasing her again about how she’s becoming lonely and touch-starved. There’s something so inexplicably comforting and calming about Seungwan’s presence, and Joohyun finds herself craving more of it every time she gets a taste. It becomes most apparent this morning, when both of them have already been awake for some time and have even freshened up, and yet Seungwan’s still here, lying in Joohyun’s bed slow kissing in the early morning. There’s absolutely no plausible reason for this—Joohyun knows this, and she’s pretty sure Seungwan does too, but she’s not about to complain. Not when Seungwan is kissing her with so tenderly, arms wrapped around her waist with surprising gentleness as Joohyun cups her cheek. She looks absolutely breathtaking, light brown hair tousled from sleep as she lies on Joohyun’s pillow, her thin, white sweater barely covering the blue-black bruises that decorate her skin just below her neck, and Joohyun pulls her just a little closer, savouring her warmth in the chilly morning, the faint scent of Seungwan’s citrus and musk perfume lingering on her skin. Joohyun’s generally not a fan of perfumes—or any scents in general, really—but Seungwan is an exception. The younger woman in her embrace lets out a soft, contented noise as Joohyun presses small, gentle kisses along her jaw and cheek, and she eventually lets herself be guided back to Seungwan’s lips.

This was not part of the plan.

It never has been, and Joohyun has never been one to stray from plans. Logic has always been one of her fortes, but with Seungwan there seems to be an exception, because she finds herself pushing more and more of the boundaries that she’d promised herself never to cross. Joohyun starts to pull away, breaking the kiss, and Seungwan’s gaze lifts to meet hers, mildly confused and so, so hesitant. It reminds Joohyun vaguely of a kicked puppy, and it feels like her steel-like resolve is crumbling to pieces, because she’s leaning in again, capturing Seungwan’s lips with her own, and Joohyun’s giving in yet again.

Maybe, just maybe, Seungwan is an exception to many of her dislikes and defenses.

*

It can’t possibly be a coincidence. Joohyun’s jaw tightens as she glances over the message from Seungwan again. This is the third time the younger woman has rejected to come over in the span of a week, citing that she was going out with other people on dates.

_What, am I not interesting enough? :(_

Joohyun hits ‘send’ without much thought, and within seconds Seungwan’s typing out a response.

_It’s not like that!!! :( I’d feel bad if I rejected them…_

Joohyun huffs.

_But you rejected me?_

Abruptly, her phone screen lights up with a pending video call from Seungwan, and Joohyun chuckles under her breath, shaking her head before accepting the request.

“Joohyun,” Seungwan whines immediately, and Joohyun has to press her lips into a thin line to hide her smile. Seungwan’s in her room, lying down on her unmade bed and in her pajamas.

“Don’t ‘Joohyun’ me, you’re the one that rejected me thrice.”

“You just picked bad timings!” She protests weakly.

“I’m not the one going out on multiple dates in a week with different people,” Joohyun shrugs, and Seungwan deflates.

“They’re not anything serious, I can meet you after those.”

Joohyun doesn’t respond immediately, scanning the blurry, pixelated background of Seungwan and Seulgi’s room.

“Where’s Seulgi?” She asks instead, and Seungwan blinks, momentarily confused.

“In the shower. Why?” She answers anyway, because she’s Seungwan.

“Nothing. Are you sure you want to meet me after your date? You’re not going to run off and leave me waiting?” Joohyun smiles, and Seungwan glances behind her, seemingly to check for Seulgi’s presence. Or rather, the lack of it.

“Of course not.” Her voice becomes hushed and quiet, and her gaze lowers. “I wouldn’t do that,” A pause. “Not to you.”

Joohyun falls silent at the unspoken implication. Not quite trusting herself to speak, she merely nods mutely. Silence stretches between them, and she’s aware that for perhaps the first time, it’s an awkward sort of silence, and it seems like Seungwan has noticed this too, because the younger woman is clearing her throat. She’s doing the odd little laugh that Joohyun knows more often than not, comes from her desire to hide her embarrassment or awkwardness.

“So,” She finally says, and Seungwan immediately falls quiet, watching her curiously. “Let me know the date and time?”

Just as Seungwan nods, there’s the sound of the bathroom door opening on Seungwan’s end of the call, indicating Seulgi’s return.

“I’ll see you then,” Joohyun bids her goodbye, and the call ends. The phone screen goes black, leaving her in the darkness of her room once more.

*

Watching Seungwan come undone beneath her, the younger woman’s knuckles white as she grips the headboard of Joohyun’s bed, moaning unabashedly and pushing back into her never gets old. The same thrill of knowing Seungwan always willingly places her control in Joohyun’s hands, that she always begs for Joohyun to fuck her a little harder, the fact that Seungwan always comes back to her for more eventually is quite addictive. Even now, Seungwan’s whimpering as Joohyun fucks her steadily from behind with the strap-on sends a rush of adrenaline through her. The knowledge that despite everything, despite having gone out on a date just hours before, at the end of the day, Seungwan always chooses her. It’s undeniably an unhealthy, ugly thought that Joohyun knows should be shoved away into the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind, but it brings her a smug sort of pride anyway. There’s a loud moan from Seungwan, and Joohyun pulls her closer, fingernails digging into the flesh of the younger woman’s hips, her breaths puffing against Seungwan’s neck, uneven and ragged. Then, the pace slows abruptly to Joohyun thrusting languidly against Seungwan, and Seungwan whines, pushing her hips back, desperate for more.

“Please,” Seungwan pleads, but Joohyun just smiles, nuzzling her nose into the crook of Seungwan’s neck before bringing her lips close to the younger woman’s ear.

“Beg for it.” She murmurs, there’s a sharp intake of breath at Joohyun’s words, but Seungwan barely hesitates.

“Please… fuck me?” She whispers, and Joohyun barely bites back a groan, melting into the kiss that Seungwan pulls her into.

“I know I said I like it rough, but that was…” Seungwan trails off, wincing a little as she flips herself over.

“Sorry. Does it hurt?” Joohyun pulls Seungwan into her embrace, pressing a kiss to her lips as the younger woman melts against her.

“Not really,” Seungwan shrugs it off, but it’s obvious that she’s not telling the entire truth, because Seungwan has never been one to openly admit it when someone else has caused her discomfort. Pressing a kiss to Seungwan’s lips, Joohyun holds her a little tighter.

“Tomorrow’s breakfast is on me.” She says simply, and Seungwan chuckles.

“Well, I’m not going to refuse a free meal.” She shifts a little, barely managing to suppress a grimace at the action. “Did you have a bad day?” She asks, and Joohyun furrows her eyebrows in confusion at the abrupt question.

“No, why?”

Seungwan shrugs. “Just seemed like you were stressed and that you were taking it out on me earlier.” “Not that I mind it that much.” She adds hurriedly, and Joohyun can’t help but smile.

“No, I might’ve gotten carried away instead. Sorry.”

Seungwan hums in acknowledgement, and they fall into a comfortable silence.

Joohyun’s used to half-truths and white lies, but she hates the way her lie to Seungwan stays bitter on her tongue long after the younger woman has drifted off to sleep. She hates the way the thought of Seungwan becoming romantically involved in someone else stirs up an ugly, bitter feeling, letting jealousy rear its ugly head.

Jealousy.

Joohyun stills, suddenly very, very aware of how Seungwan is curled up to her, wearing nothing but her underwear, warm and soft to the touch.

She realizes three things at once.

One, that her feelings for Seungwan have long crossed her usual threshold of a few weeks. Two, that, as much as Joohyun hates to admit, her jealousy is not an unfounded, nor unexplainable one.

Three, that all this can only mean that she is most definitely, irrevocably, in love with Seungwan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another filler-ish chapter with some plot development 😅 the real stuff is coming soon, I promise! I'm also very sleepy rn, i literally just wrote the last part out half asleep and edited it real quick so I apologise for any possible mistakes! It's been wonderful reading all of your comments and a big thank you to everyone who has read this fic, you guys make my day, i'm not even exaggerating 🥰
> 
> also shameless plug: follow me on twitter @wenrockfish if u wanna! i scream alot abt rv there & watch me be a full functioning circus by myself over there


	7. Chapter 7

“Come over,” Joohyun says, in a tone that Seungwan can only describe as almost a whine, even though it’s painfully obvious that the older woman is trying not to come across as exactly that.

“Why?” She’s prolonging the banter on purpose, and can’t quite help but smile when there’s an annoyed huff at the other end of the phone.

“I’m—” Joohyun pauses, struggling. “—Lonely.” She finishes lamely as her voice tapers off hesitantly.

“In the actual sense or in the ‘I’m horny and I want to fuck you’ sense?” Seungwan raises an eyebrow, even though she knows full well that Joohyun can’t see it. She’s pretty sure that Joohyun knows though, because they know each other like the back of their hands. Pieces of a puzzle that fit together. There’s a brief pause as Joohyun considers this.

“Not horny.” She eventually says, and Seungwan snorts. How predictably, and typically avoidant of Joohyun.

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.” Seungwan promises easily, because she’s just always a little too ready and willing to drop everything in a blink of an eye for Joohyun.

When Seungwan arrives and Joohyun lets her in, she finds herself standing in a nearly pitch-dark room, something that’s highly unusual for Joohyun. Which can only mean one thing.

“Movie night?” She turns to Joohyun excitedly, and Joohyun just nods, smiling, and Seungwan lets out a whoop.

“What’re we watching?” Seungwan asks, trailing behind the older woman as she picks up her laptop off the table and making her way towards the bed.

“Harry Potter.” Joohyun replies sarcastically, and Seungwan snorts.

“Don’t you dare.”

The both of them eventually settle down as Joohyun navigates through her Netflix account.

“I’m not about to watch _The Sorcerer’s Stone_ for the tenth time, so no. I am, however, interested in this.” She points to something on the screen, and Seungwan’s gaze follows the line of her finger. _Avatar the Last Airbender_.

“You’ve never seen this?” She gapes, and Joohyun turns to her, looking decidedly insulted.

“Of course I have. I just want to watch it again.” She huffs, and Seungwan laughs.

“Good, I was beginning to worry that I’d have to re-evaluate our entire friendship.”

Pressing play, Joohyun’s gaze slides over to meet Seungwan’s in the relative darkness.

“How unfortunate, I was just beginning to like you.” She raises an eyebrow, smiling lazily, and Seungwan snaps her gaze away back to the laptop screen, hating the way how easily Joohyun flusters her as the familiar introduction clip plays from the laptop. They sit in relative silence, shoulders touching, the covers pulled up to their legs.

The past hour has been relatively quiet, interspersed with Seungwan’s comments about a certain character or plot point. As the next episode starts to play, Joohyun realizes that Seungwan has been strangely quiet and still for the past fifteen minutes, something of a rarity for the younger woman. Chancing a glance, Joohyun finds Seungwan slumped against the wall, eyes closed shut as she dozes off contentedly. Shaking her head, Joohyun simply shuts her laptop, placing it on the floor before she touches Seungwan’s arm gently. There’s no response, and Joohyun taps her lightly this time. The younger woman stirs awake, and Joohyun’s reminded of the countless weekend mornings of waking Seungwan up for her class, where she’s been subject to Seungwan’s adorably grumpy morning tantrums more than once. Sitting up a little straighter, Seungwan’s already trying to form an apology through her sleep-addled brain, and Joohyun merely shushes her, smiling in faint amusement.

“You can stay over tonight if you want to,” She suggests, and Seungwan smiles gratefully.

“Sorry that I fell asleep,” The words are mumbled.

“Are you tired?”

The answer is a silent, slow nod.

“Why did you come over if you were tired, silly? You should’ve told me.” Joohyun huffs as she arranges her pillows for the younger woman, who’s already in the process of snuggling underneath the covers, only sticking out a hand in an unspoken request that Joohyun easily grants. She pulls her close into a cuddle, and the familiar warmth and weight of Seungwan against her is comforting.

“Because I wanted to see you,” Seungwan pouts sleepily, and Joohyun swallows, pushing down the urge to kiss it away. No, this was not the time for this, and it would be foolish to pull Seungwan in further when Joohyun had no intentions of holding on.

“You see me often enough.” She counters, and there’s a long stretch of silence before Seungwan eventually replies, choosing her words carefully.

“I don’t think it’ll ever be quite enough.”

*

Seungwan glances at the clock display on her laptop, tapping her fingernails against her keyboard. Fifteen more minutes until the end of this lecture, and also fifteen more minutes until she can finally head back to her apartment for lunch. She stifles a yawn and glances over at Sooyoung, who also seems to be barely awake, eyelids drooping, just on the verge of falling asleep. Reaching over, Seungwan pinches her arm, and she jerks awake with a sharp inhale, immediately whipping around to fix Seungwan with a frown.

“What’d you do that for?” She grumbles.

“You were falling asleep.”

“There’s only fifteen minutes left, let me be.” Sooyoung whines.

“On the contrary, there’s only fifteen minutes left, so you should try to be awake.”

Sooyoung snorts. “Yeah, like you weren’t dozing off too.”

Their whispered banter continues back and forth for a while more, until the lecture eventually wraps up, and they’re finally packing their bags and heading out of the lecture theatre. As Seungwan slips her way out, she spots a familiar figure waiting by the opposite side of the corridor, eyes darting back and forth, almost as if she were looking for someone.

“Did you arrange to meet Joohyun?” Sooyoung pipes up from behind her, having seemed to have spotted the older woman too, and Seungwan shakes her head.

“Well, I’m meeting Yerim for lunch, so I’ll see you later.” With a pat on the back, Sooyoung’s heading off, quickly disappearing into the crowd, evidently not quite keen to linger. Joohyun spots her first, and there’s a hint of a small smile as the older woman approaches her.

“Hey.”

“I wasn’t aware you’d decided to switch to neuroscience.” Seungwan smiles, earning herself a half-hearted slap on the shoulder. It’s a little strange that Joohyun is here, all the way at the Science Faculty’s building, when the Law building is on the other end of the campus, but Seungwan doesn’t comment on the fact.

“You’re so annoying.” Joohyun huffs. “I wanted to ask you if you wanted to have lunch together.”

Seungwan blinks. “You could’ve just texted me, you didn’t have to come all the way here.”

“I did.” Joohyun says dryly, and Seungwan fumbles for her phone. The screen lights up with multiple unread messages from Joohyun twenty minutes ago, and a single phone call.

She gives the older woman a sheepish smile.

“So, lunch?” Joohyun prompts.

“Of course! You’re already here anyway, I’m not about to turn you down after all that effort.”

“So, you’re only saying yes because I came all the way here?” Joohyun raises an eyebrow. They start to make their way out of the building, and Joohyun guides her to the parking lot with a simple tug on Seungwan’s sleeve in the respective direction as the younger woman sputters for words.

“It’s not like that! I’m more than happy to have lunch with you.” She protests, but Joohyun just smiles.

“I know, don’t worry.” They navigate their way through, and eventually Joohyun’s car comes into view. “I drove here, so we can go wherever you want.”

Seungwan clears her throat. “Actually, I was planning to make lunch back in my apartment, so… if you don’t mind, I could cook for the both of us.”

Joohyun smiles. “Sounds great, I’d love to.”

Given that they’re the only ones in the apartment, Joohyun is surprisingly tame. Seungwan had almost expected her to rile her up just for the fun of it, or flirt with her a little, but all things given, Joohyun hasn’t actually done much other than watching and occasionally helping her cook. Seungwan’s made a simple pasta dish, and they’re sitting on the small couch just barely big enough for two as Seungwan talks about her day, and Joohyun sits quietly, nodding in acknowledgement and interjecting with the occasional question. It’s always been comfortable and nice to be in Joohyun’s company, and Seungwan doesn’t have to worry about talking too much, because she knows that Joohyun’s always willing to listen, even when she’s chattering excitedly about her classes and Joohyun looks decidedly lost, but nonetheless determined to keep up and understand.

Eventually, they’ve both finished their lunch, and as Seungwan places her plate in the sink, moving to clean up, Joohyun nudges her away from the sink gently.

“I’ll do it.”

“Joohyun.”

Joohyun turns to fix her with a determined look. “Don’t try to fight me on this, Seungwan.”

Seungwan shakes her head, silently insistent, and Joohyun holds up a hand, as if to slap her playfully, and Seungwan raises an eyebrow, a knowing smile playing on her lips.

“Oh, please do.”

Immediately, Joohyun turns a little pink and she shakes her head in disbelief, instead turning her attention back to the dishes.

*

“Hey, do you have classes later?” Joohyun asks on a whim as she makes her way out of the kitchenette and straight towards where Seungwan’s lying on her bed, and Seungwan glances up from her phone.

“No, why?”

“Let’s study together?” Joohyun suggests, and Seungwan brightens.

“Sure!” It’s almost adorable how Seungwan perks up at the suggestion, and Joohyun smiles, trailing after her with her own bag in tow.

“You’re such a nerd.” She huffs, and Seungwan glances back, grinning as her laptop boots up, settling into her chair.

“And unapologetically so. It’s part of the charm, no?”

Joohyun hums noncommittally. “It certainly makes you unique.”

“Do you not like it?” Seungwan sounds a little uncertain now, and Joohyun senses her starting to withdraw.

“If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have spent hours listening to you talk about brain chemicals, silly.”

Seungwan’s turning away to fix her attention back on her laptop, but Joohyun manages to catch the hints of an embarrassed smile on her lips.

It’s all a little too cruel to have this. Watching Seungwan work on her essay, Joohyun is well aware of how much they resemble something that they’re not. She’s no stranger to such situations, but it’s never come as close as this—being this friendly, or fully comfortable in someone else’s presence, to want even more from this. Which is entirely paradoxical, because Joohyun knows she shouldn’t, not when the scars from her previous relationship still sting. She’d only bring more trouble, and the thought of Seungwan being subjected to them leaves a bittersweet feeling festering in her chest. The knowledge that all of her flaws, though now acceptable, would grow to be more irritable over time, the knowledge that her preference to not share everything that’s on her mind will gnaw at Seungwan, someone who has always been easily affectionate and open to her. Imbalances, as Joohyun has found out the hard way, cannot be corrected nor compromised with, and she’d be foolish to ever try to be anything more with Seungwan. Not when they have such an easy dynamic now that Joohyun’s never found anywhere else.

Then, Seungwan’s standing up and stretching, groaning a little before she’s making a beeline for Joohyun and clambering onto the bed, sprawling herself over Joohyun’s lap. Joohyun barely manages to hold on to her laptop, and she furrows her eyebrows at Seungwan, who merely gives a sheepish grin, before placing it out of the way.

“Surely that can’t be very comfortable.” Joohyun points out, but Seungwan just whines in response.

“My back hurts,” She complains.

“Want me to kiss it better?” Joohyun snorts, and Seungwan laughs.

“Should I say that my lips hurt too?”

“Ask and you shall be given.” Joohyun chuckles, and Seungwan pushes herself up into a sitting position on her lap.

“Okay, kiss me then.” Seungwan grins impishly, so Joohyun’s leans in, and Seungwan’s kissing her.

It’s so easy to fall back into this in-between of nothing and something, and maybe, just maybe, Joohyun thinks she might be okay with this.

*

Or maybe she isn’t very okay at all, because Joohyun’s silently watching from the side as Seungwan politely rejects a woman’s offer to buy her a drink, not quite understanding why on earth she’s fighting back the urge to intervene and grasp Seungwan’s hand, when she’s clearly in no position to. They’re at a relatively quiet bar with just the two of them tonight, because it had been an impromptu decision after an afternoon’s worth of studying. Which is strange, because neither of them are usually the type to frequent bars, much less dress up for such an occasion. The initial plan had been to head straight to the bar in the early evening, but Seungwan had suggested to get a change of clothes, and that she’d meet Joohyun back at her accommodation building.

What Joohyun hadn’t been expecting was for Seungwan to show up in a silky, black Bardot top with light blue denim jeans, and she swallows the lump in her throat, suddenly left with the feeling that she’s rather underdressed. She’s gone with a white-button down and light blue jeans, leaving several of the top buttons open, just enough to tease. Sure enough, as Seungwan approaches, the neuroscience major’s gaze trails from her eyes for the briefest of moment, taking her in.

“You look great.” Seungwan smiles, and the feeling of doubt eventually settles.

“You don’t look too shabby yourself, Son Seungwan.”

Seungwan snorts. “Thank God, because I spent an obscene amount of time on deciding what to wear.”

“Are you trying to impress someone?” Joohyun smiles, and Seungwan’s cheeks turn pink as she clears her throat.

“Maybe? Mostly because I’m indecisive, though.” She laughs, and Joohyun shakes her head, looping her arms around Seungwan’s.

Her warmth is comforting in the chilly evening breeze.

“Joohyun?” Seungwan’s voice pulls her from her train of thoughts, and Joohyun blinks.

“Hm?”

Seungwan’s back now, and her attention’s focused on Joohyun.

“Are you okay?” Seungwan’s watching her carefully, eyebrows furrowed with concern.

“Yeah, I just… I’m fine.” She waves the concern away, taking a sip of her Old Fashioned, letting the burn of the alcohol slide down her throat, but the bitter feeling in her chest still remains, writhing and roiling. There’s a beat of silence as Seungwan looks at her searchingly, as if she doesn’t quite believe her, but she eventually murmurs a quiet “Okay.” anyway.

“Why didn’t you accept her offer? It’s a free drink, after all.” Joohyun’s gaze is fixed pointedly at the rim of her glass, her fingers tapping lightly.

Seungwan hums thoughtfully.

“I didn’t want to owe her anything or give her the idea I was interested. Besides, I came here with you, so I should be spending time with you instead, no?”

Joohyun smiles, huffing out a small, amused laugh. “We spend a lot of time around each other already, I don’t want to make you feel obliged to spend time with me. Besides, I’m not really all that interesting.”

“Do you really think that of yourself?” Seungwan asks gently, and there’s a long pause before Joohyun finally gives a shrug.

Seungwan glances down at her glass.

“I wish you’d see yourself the way I see you, Joohyun.”

Gripping her glass, Joohyun takes another sip, determined to wash away the sourness that lingers. A naïve statement, really, because Joohyun has seen first-hand that anyone else’s perception of her other than her own is never really accurate, nor satisfactory in the long run.

“I don’t think you do.” She says quietly.

The moment she utters those words, Joohyun knows with certain, cruel bitterness that she’s gone a little too far this time. Still, it might be better to keep Seungwan a safe distance away, even though she full well knows that this distance is quickly shrinking. Something in Seungwan’s face changes, and the younger woman turns away, avoiding Joohyun’s gaze as she downs the remaining liquid in her glass.

The walk back to Joohyun’s dormitory building is a quiet, rather tense one, but Joohyun knows better than to try to remedy the situation now. Not when she’s the one who had started this mess for no good reason.

The moment Joohyun’s door closes shut behind them, Seungwan turns to face her. Their eyes meet, and there’s a brief moment of silence before Seungwan speaks.

“Is there something you want to talk about?”

Joohyun swallows. She doesn’t reply, the fingernail of her thumb pressing into the palm of her other hand, letting the pain ground her, determined to push down the pool of bitterness in her chest. There’s a stretch of silence, and Seungwan looks a little nervous.

“Are you jealous?”

“No.”

The moment the word slips out of her mouth, Joohyun knows it was said too quickly and tersely for it to be true, and with the intensity at which Seungwan is watching her, she knows that Seungwan also knows that it’s not true.

Joohyun can almost hear the gears working in her head as Seungwan chooses her next words.

“I think you are.” She says, a little hesitantly, and Joohyun kind of both loves and hates how even in a situation where she fully has the right to be angry, Seungwan chooses to be gentle.. Her gaze flickers and meets Seungwan’s for a split second before she’s looking away again. She swallows.

“And if I say that I am?” Her voice is quiet, soft. Uncertain.

“Well, then I guess my next question would be ‘Why?’.”

Joohyun properly turns to face Seungwan this time.

“You’re really going to make me say it, huh?” She huffs, and Seungwan looks away, shrugging.

It’s clear that the younger woman isn’t going to say anything more, so Joohyun inhales a shaky breath.

“I—” The words get stuck in her throat, and Joohyun swallows. She hates how ridiculously nervous she is, even with the knowledge that Seungwan is more than likely to reciprocate these feelings.

Rather, perhaps it is precisely because she knows Seungwan is more than likely to reciprocate these feelings that makes the situation a whole lot worse than Joohyun would like it to be.

“I like you, Seungwan.”

The admission is barely audible, and Joohyun’s watching Seungwan carefully, who’s now looking at her. She shifts, crossing her arms over her chest, clearing her throat quietly. Her cheeks are a little pink.

“I think you already know how I feel about you.” She says, and her gaze darts away again before Joohyun can catch it. “I like you too, but that’s the problem, isn’t it?”

Their eyes meet this time, and Joohyun hates the fact that she knows the poorly disguised look of misery, mixed with desperate hope, on Seungwan’s face is entirely her fault. She tears her gaze away, fixing her attention instead on her bed, and briefly, Joohyun’s reminded of the countless hours they’ve spent there kissing, whispered secrets and insecurities in the dead of the night that only the both of them know, the countless times Seungwan has melted underneath her touch.

“It’s not your fault, Seungwan.” She murmurs, and Seungwan lets out a hollow chuckle.

“I really had this coming, so it kind of is.” Then, Joohyun’s cupping Seungwan’s cheek gently with a hand, running a thumb across.

“No, it isn’t. None of us are at fault here, okay?”

Seungwan swallows the lump in her throat, not quite trusting herself to speak, so she just nods. She opens her mouth, but the words refuse to form.

_So, what happens now?_

Four words and a simple question, and yet Seungwan can’t quite find it in herself to bring it up. Frankly, she doesn’t think she’s quite ready to let this go just yet. Not that she’d ever expected herself to, really, but she’d never expected it to occur over a conversation like this.

“I think it would be best if we were just friends from now on,” Joohyun suggests gently, and Seungwan has never hated how well Joohyun knows her as much as now, and how logical Joohyun is as much as now. How gentle Joohyun is being, because she knows when it comes to feelings, Seungwan’s a bit of a fragile thing. “I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.”

She’s biting down on her lip, and really, Seungwan should have seen this coming, but Joohyun’s words sting all the same, a painful reminder of the inevitable.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, the long-awaited real stuff is finally happening! let me know your thoughts!
> 
> also, i've updated the playlist given that we've hit a bigger plot development, i'll leave the links here for anyone interested! they'll be updated again in the next chapter as well :)
> 
> spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6REPOyToNM2ZqFuzJFewna?si=0MdmyuhYQjSyGoTfiNbXhw
> 
> apple music: https://music.apple.com/sg/playlist/wenrene-hold-me-like-im-yours-tonight/pl.u-Ymb00vPuPjGZ05q


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